https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/uk-about-to-swap-utter-bastards-who
This is how democracy is supposed to work
Jul 04, 2024

The people of the UK must be hugely excited today because after 14 years of being ruled by utter bastards who wear blue, they are about to vote for utter bastards who wear red!

While I would prefer the utter bastards who wear blue, at least everyone agrees that no matter what, we must choose leaders who are utter bastards. It would be madness to vote for anyone who doesn’t fucking hate the public!

Since the nation has caught election fever, I’ve been doing my research like a real professional, and if I’ve got this right, the outgoing bastard is called Rishi Sunak and the incoming bastard is called Sir Keir Starmer. I could easily have this the wrong way around, but honestly, what does it matter?

The two rivals, who were cloned from David Cameron’s toe nail clippings, even though toe nails do not contain DNA, could not be more different from one another, and this means everyone who matters is going to vote for one of them! This is why we’re much better than those other countries that have only one person to vote for. In our system, two completely different clones get almost all of the votes!

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Anyways, I’ve been catching up with members of the public all over the country this morning (I have a really fast private jet with a massive carbon footprint) and here are their thoughts:

Dave, 50, from Coventry, said: “Election? Oh, is that today? I don’t even see the point in voting really. Sorry, I have to go, I’m running late for work.”

Leanne, 18, from Islington, said: “I was going to vote for Corbyn, but I don’t have any ID because I’m only 18 and haven’t got round to sorting it out yet”. All I can say to that is thank god for voter ID laws! The last thing we need is for gen Z to have a voice…

Pete, 58, from Wakefield, roared: “No fucking way am I voting Labour! GB News told me they wouldn’t do anything to stop the boats! I’ve never encountered a person who arrived in a boat in my life because I live at the other end of the country, but clearly we’re being overrun! Only the Tories, who’ve let this happen for fourteen years, are taking the problem seriously!” It’s nice to see someone is still voting the right way and for the right reasons, isn’t it?

Sonya, 43, from Davenport, told me: “I’m voting Labour because I don’t like how the Tories have handled the small boats. Starmer said he would work with Marine Le Pen and get rid of all the Bangladeshis. I’ve no idea why we hate Bangladeshis, but we have to do something, don’t we? An Asian doctor treated me at the hospital once. It was horrible. He fixed my broken leg.”

Thomas, 36, from Torquay, told me: “I just want austerity to end. I couldn’t afford to put anything on the electricity meter and all I’ve got to eat is mouldy bread, even though I have a job. Please just give me Rachel Reeves’ fiscal rules and Starmer’s tough choices! I’m a desperate man, I’ll take anything at this point!”

Sarah, 34, from Mansfield, said: “I just want the Tories out! I don’t know anything about Labour to be honest. I couldn’t tell you a single one of their policies, and that Starmer seems like a bit of a nob, but I can barely afford food.” I’m noticing a pattern here where millennials are sounding horribly entitled.

Greg, 44, from Carlisle, said: “I don’t like how the Tories have handled Gaza. Sunak kept sending over weapons to kill children whereas Starmer said Israel only has a right to withhold food and medicine which at least gives people a chance. It’s a complicated issue.”

Tarquin, 29, from Cambridge, said: “I’m just looking for Tories with a new brand. Let’s be honest, the Tory brand is ruined since Liz Truss pissed all over it. We need someone who at least looks respectable when they cut people's benefits. I’m torn between voting Labour or Reform, but I do love the idea of Prime Minister Farage.”

Fiona, 24, emerged from a polling station in Grimsby, beaming: “I drew a dick on my ballot!” I wasn’t aware David Cameron was even standing, but good for her, we need all the Tory votes we can get.

Jayden, 18, from Newcastle, said: “I’ve just turned 18 and I voted Tory for the national service. I already work a full-time minimum wage job, but I want to give up my weekends working for some rich arsehole for free. I’ve no doubt this will help solve the problems my generation never caused.” There’s a good lad.

Matt, 47, from Rochester, said: “ When Liz Truss came to power, immigrants added £200 a month to my mortgage and woke ideology made my wife leave with the kids. Keir Starmer doesn't even know what a woman is, so I’m voting Reform like all the other divorced dads!”

Gemma, 36, from Margate, said: “I’m a doctor and the Tories have completely ruined the NHS with their privatisation reforms so I’m voting for Wes Streeting’s privatisation reforms instead! At least he’ll bring the NHS waiting list down by forcing me to work longer hours for less money. I can’t wait.”

Lily, 23, from Bournemouth, cried: “I tried to vote Green because all the other bastards are destroying the planet, but they wouldn’t let me vote because I don’t have a passport or driving licence and they said I look like someone who would vote Green.” Clearly, the plan is working…

Luke, 52, from Durham, said: “I just voted for myself because I can’t wait to see how upset the lefties are when Labour win and they realise they’ve got a shit prime minister…”

In case you’re wondering, I actually wrote Liz Truss on my ballot because I’m not in her constituency. At least I know Liz has got one vote now, but I find it worrying that only two people told me they're voting Tory and one of them was a lunatic.

One interesting take from today is that many people weren’t even aware it was polling day, and out of the ones who were, none of them mentioned the Lib Dems. It’s like they don’t exist which is really weird because in every other election, it’s like they don’t exist.

For some inexplicable reason, almost everyone I encountered sounded dejected and looked like a gun was being held to their heads. I just can’t understand why no one is embracing the idea of not giving ordinary people representation. Corporations have like four or five options to reduce your living standards, so they’re thrilled. Why isn’t that good enough for people?