https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/the-greatest-ever-prime-minister
Jul 05, 2024

You’re gonna have to bear with me because I’m a mess today. I’ve been up all night with my best friend Nadine Dorries and I might have had a few. Also, I’m livid because I tried to leave the country, but apparently, they don’t allow people in my “condition” onto aeroplanes. This day just keeps getting worse…

After an agonising night, I received the news the first person to ever beat Rishi Sunak in an election, the woman who overthrew the queen with a polonium handshake, the legend who tried and failed to declare war on China, is gone.

Yes, Liz Truss, the greatest prime minister ever, has really lost her seat. I’m in disbelief here.

I knew the Tories were gonna lose because Rishi Sunak was so useless that even I, with all my powers of propaganda, couldn’t save them, but I was at least hoping to save some of my favourites. I was hoping to at least save Liz Truss, but you bastards had other ideas. I honestly don’t recognise this country anymore.

You can imagine how humiliating it was when Liz saw her majority of 26,165 crumble before her eyes. When you’re given one of the safest Tory seats to ensure you can’t possibly lose and you lose anyway, that’s rough.

Understandably, Liz didn’t make a speech (because no one wanted to listen to her), but she explained she lost because the Human Rights Act stopped her from deporting all the foreigners. My only disappointment was that she didn’t blame transgender people or Larry the cat, but she was emotional so it must have been hard to recall all of her scapegoats.

In an absolute bloodbath, 11 cabinet ministers lost their seats last night: Johnny Mercer, Grant Shapps, Gillian Keegan, Lucy Frazer, Penny Mordaunt, Michelle Donelan, Alex Chalk, David TC Davies, Victoria Prentis, Mark Harper and Simon Hart. All of them cold-hearted bastards who fucking hate ordinary people like all the best Tories do.

The Tories lost David Cameron’s old seat, Theresa May’s old seat, and Boris Johnson’s old seat. The only leader who wanted to lose his seat, Rishi Sunak, actually kept his by accident. This means Rishi can’t even piss off to his California mansion to hide from the cameras. Akshata’s told him that if Starmer increases her taxes, she’s filing for divorce so he’s a bit sensitive, right now. You people need to understand your voting decisions have consequences and you’re not allowed to find them hilarious.

The one thought keeping me going was Liz one day becoming prime minister again, and I just don’t see how that happens now, unless I invade Downing Street with my pitchfork. Given Nadine tried and failed to do that when Boris Johnson was bullied out of his job, I’m not sure it’s a good idea I try. I might persuade Nadine to give it another go though. We have to do something and right now we’re out of ideas.

Last year, Liz launched the popcorn movement to regain control of the Tory Party, but you probably didn’t hear about that because even people on her side were laughing at her. Not me though, I thought it was a brilliant idea. Sadly, voters disagreed because every Tory MP associated with the popcorn movement has lost their seat, apart from Lee Anderson who defecated to Reform.

Liz might have only been prime minister for 49 days, but they will forever be remembered as the greatest 49 days in UK history. We’ve never had a prime minister who was better at trying on outfits and pulling faces for the camera.

Liz’s glittering political career got underway when she broke a glass ceiling by becoming education secretary under Cameron, even though she can’t read. Impressively, she has spent her time as a backbencher getting someone to write a book for her, entitled Ten Years to save the West in which she blames everyone but herself for her mini-budget. I can’t understand why this message hasn’t resonated with the people who lost their homes because of her.

Liz’s unwavering goal was to keep taxes low, even if it meant taking the pound to a 37-year low and putting inflation at Robert Mugabe levels. She still doesn’t understand that inflation does not count as growing the economy so don’t you dare tell her. She has enough on her plate without being humiliated by the anti-growth coalition. You bastards just don’t understand economics like Liz does