https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/a-tribute-to-the-tories-who-are-making
They became jobless layabouts through no fault of their own
Jul 06, 2024

Say what you want about the last 14 years, but one thing we can all agree on is that since I became BBC political editor, no party could have asked for a better propagandist than me. If there has been one success story from the dark ages of Tory rule, I am unquestionably it.

As the most important member of the Downing Street Whatsapp group, I’m now watching people quietly leave without so much as a goodbye or a thank you for your service, Laura. These bastards would not have got away with so many things, were it not for me. I made austerity and the lockdown parties possible. I was the perfect accomplice.

As you can imagine, I’m hurting right now. When you’ve invested so much time and effort into telling the most embarrassing lies, night after night, it’s hard when the ride finally comes to an end. Now I’m just listening to James Blunt, drinking gin with Nadine, starting a petition to build a statue of Liz Truss in Parliament Square…

Coming to terms with the loss of Liz was one thing, you can imagine my reaction when Nadine gently whispered it wasn’t just Liz, it was Therese too. Yes, our greatest ever environment secretary was also taken out by tofu-eating… anti… bollocks, I can’t even remember the stupid names we give voters we don’t like! It’s been a long 48 hours…

What matters is the cigar-smoking former bouncer has been one of the most vibrant MPs since she crawled out of a swamp near a nuclear plant, glowing like radium and leaving a glistening trail of slime. She is going to be one hell of a loss.

Among Therese’s greatest achievements in a stellar political career were murdering the river Lim, flooding homes with untreated sewage, refusing to impose fines on negligent water companies, blaming seagull poop when dead sea creatures washed ashore in Suffolk, and declaring war on Greenpeace.

Therese sensibly did away with anything that got in the way of corporate profits, such as public beaches and drinkable water, and she solved the Brexit food crisis by telling everyone to eat turnip. I don’t think we’ve ever had a more creative problem solver.

Losing Therese was a crushing blow, but thankfully, someone saw sense and made her a dame, and not for being absolutely fucking useless either. At least I don’t think that was the reason. Presumably it was for services to algae overgrowth or something, but whatever the reason, going forward, this woman will be known as Dame Therese Coffey. I’m sure you will agree no one has ever deserved a damehood more.

Obviously, you’re feeling emotional so I’m not sure I should go on, but someone has to break this to you, it wasn’t just Liz and Therese, it was Rees-Mogg too.

Poor Jacob is roosting in his crypt, feeling sorry for himself because he’s never known humiliation like it, and he’s lived for over 300 years. I just don’t understand why the public didn’t vote for him. He’s always clean shaven and meticulously dressed, despite having no reflection, and he wears a monocle to prove he’s better than you. Why isn’t that enough?

Jacob did so much for ordinary people and never got any thanks. He courageously fought to end working from home for the sake of the neediest members of society - corporate landlords. He was once given the job of finding the benefits of Brexit because they weren’t as obvious as the bus had suggested. During this highly-productive period, he spent seven months doing absolutely nothing, apart from fighting a war on woke and losing his mind when the word “fat” was changed to “enormous” in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Few have contributed to society like Jacob.

At this point, you are surely a sobbing mess so I probably shouldn’t tell you Michael Fabricant lost his seat and it caused ructions in his family. I’m told his hairpiece has already crawled away and filed for divorce. Even worse, Gillian Keegan, who once cried her party didn’t “get enough credit for doing a fucking good job”, somehow lost to a Liberal Democrat. This just keeps getting more humiliating, doesn’t it?

Grant Shapps is another giant we’ve lost, but he wants to hide from the press so he’s changing his name back to Michael Green and returning to making dodgy websites. Michael will threaten to sue anyone who brings up his embarrassing past, so please let him forget being a Tory.

Penny Mordaunt is another goner, even though she crowned our beloved king after Liz Truss murdered his mother. Penny will best be remembered for wearing a dress with the Poundland logo while putting a sword on Charles’ shoulder and resisting the urge to swing. Every government needs a woman with this level of restraint. If Angela Rayner was in that position, she would swing that fucking sword and take that crown. We are entering truly dangerous times.

Dozens of Tory legends lost their seats, but I’m going to leave it there for now because you can only cope with so much trauma in one night. Just know that if you need a shoulder to cry on, I won’t be there for you because I’m gonna be sleeping off a hangover, then offering my propaganda services to Sir Keir Starmer at a discounted rate. I have absolutely no shame