https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/trump-chooses-vance-because-he-couldnt
What matters is the man of steel has a running mate now
Jul 16, 2024

While recovering from a painful cut on his ear, Donald Trump is courageously focusing on his two priorities: getting back on the campaign trail and releasing merchandise to cash in on the assassination attempt. As a true man of the people, all he is thinking about is regaining the presidency and lining his own pockets. I would have expected nothing less.

In a hugely exciting announcement, Trump has chosen someone who once called him “America's Hitler” as his running mate because he couldn't find anyone with a higher opinion of him.

“I have decided that the person best suited to assume the position of Vice President of the United States is Senator of the Great State of Ohio,” Trump wrote on TruthSocial, adding: “JD Vance is the perfect guy to stand in front of me at any future outdoor events.”

JD Vance is so popular that 13% of US voters have a favourable opinion of him and the rest either hate him or have no idea who he is. I’ll be honest with you, when I first heard the announcement I pictured JC Chasez and got myself all excited. You can imagine my disappointment when I found out Trump had not in fact chosen my second favourite member of N Sync.

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Anyways, I’ve been researching JD Vance while listening to Tearing Up My Heart on repeat play and I’ve discovered Trump’s running mate has a rather colourful past. He once described himself as a “never Trump guy” and said Trump is a “terrible candidate” and a “cynical asshole”. He even said anyone would have to be an “idiot” to vote for him, but to be fair, he did not understand how big the idiot vote is. Now that he understands, he wants the idiot vote for himself.

One of Vance's strengths is that he has no principles and will say whatever he needs to say to further his own career. This is why he is the Project 2025 guy. Vance used charity money intended to alleviate the opioid crisis to fund his campaign because like with all good politicians, his number one priority is himself. He has really impressed Republicans because he is able to comb his hair, meaning he adds a respectable face to the Trump ticket.

Vance said he would’ve overturned the 2020 election result and he raised money for the incels who rioted on January 6th. He wants to get rid of 50,000 civil servants and replace them with lunatics, sorry, I mean “our people”. He said if the courts try to stop this, Trump should simply ignore the law. He suggested Trump emulate the actions of Andrew Jackson during the trail of tears when the US ethnically cleansed 60,000 native Americans. Nice guy.

Vance thinks the biggest crisis facing America is that daylight saving hours are making people less fertile, and in a fully coherent position, he is against fertility treatment. Instead, he prefers to focus on banning abortion, opposing universal day care, and defunding social security and Medicare because he is pro-life. Vance has such strong family values that he believes women should stay in violent relationships for the sake of the kids. Strangely, his wife looks terrified of blinking.

The Iraq war veteran wants to stop funding Ukraine, but only so we can bomb the shit out of Iran, which should come as a relief to anyone who is holding out for World War III. Aren’t we all?

Vance lamented the UK has become the first Islamist country to get a nuclear weapon, now that Labour is in charge. This is because Sir Keir Starmer is doing Islamist things such as challenging the arrest warrant for Netanyahu, sending bombs to Israel in defiance of international law, and refusing to answer questions about the Islamophobia crisis in his party.

As you can see, Vance has a deep and nuanced understanding of UK politics, meaning he would be the perfect man to launch a coup against Starmer, something even Labour voters would surely welcome.

One of the best compliments I can give JD Vance is that he is a reformed character because he used to have dreadful Islamist takes like: “Trump makes people I care about afraid. Immigrants, Muslims, etc. Because of this I find him reprehensible. God wants better of us.”

Thankfully, Vance realised his polling numbers went up when he stopped pretending to be a good guy and started appealing to the very worst human impulses. This has always been the most effective strategy to win a US election