https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/israel-killed-hamas-leader-due-to
World War III is back on track...
Aug 01, 2024

Israel has explained it had no choice but to kill a Hamas leader in Tehran, due to serious concerns he was willing to sign a peace agreement. There was also concern Iran had elected a moderate president, meaning the risk of peace had never been higher. Clearly, something had to be done and that something involved taking out the chief negotiator with a bomb.

Israel demonstrated how impressively accurate its killing can be when it’s not launching bombs into Gaza. It can somehow get a bomb 1,187 miles into Ismail Haniyeh’s guest house, taking him out along with his children and grandchildren while minimising damage to the building.

Israel sensibly doesn’t waste its good bombs on the Gaza population. Instead, it makes do with 2,000-lb dumb bombs that take out entire apartment buildings in a cost-effective manner. The problem with precision-guided missiles is you get fewer civilians per dollar. Israel only gets so much welfare from the US so it has to be practical about these things. The colonial project can’t go squandering money willy-nilly, can it?

When Benjamin Netanyahu funnelled $1 billion of Qatari money to Hamas, the entire point was to make peace impossible. You can imagine Netanyahu’s dilemma when peace did, in fact, become possible. Haniyeh was deep into negotiations at the time of his assassination, and to Netanyahu’s horror, he appeared willing to meet Israel’s demands.

Once Haniyeh was dead, the US explained a ceasefire is now in reach and promised Israel more bombs because there are still leaders to assassinate.

The US explained Israel has a right to defend itself from peace negotiators and warned Iran against launching an unprovoked attack in retaliation. Iran has already threatened to strike Israeli soil and Netanyahu is praying it does so he can avoid prison. Let’s be honest, we would all start World War III to escape the wrath of the law.

The US has promised to come to the rescue of Israel, if and when it starts a fight it cannot win. No wonder Netanyahu feels so emboldened. He wasn’t done with bombing Tehran and also bombed Lebanon in revenge for the iron dome misfiring and wiping out school kids in the occupied Golan Heights.

By blaming Hezbollah, Israel not only avoided accountability, but found an excuse to kill another leader it doesn’t like. The Israeli government cleverly pretended the children it mistakenly killed were Israelis to garner international sympathy. Likud politicians even tried to attend their funerals, but the families told them to fuck off, making them look like lying dickheads.

Worryingly, the world is not buying Israel’s shit and the EU has demanded an independent investigation into the matter. This is totally unfair because everyone knows Israel only bombs Lebanon in retaliation, which is why 80% of the rockets exchanged between the countries are fired by Israel.

It’s hard to understand how Israel is losing the PR battle, given what an expert job it has done blowing the heads off journalists. Unfortunately, Al Jazeera journalists are fearless and keep doing their jobs, even when Israel murders their colleagues. You can imagine how awkward this is for IDF soldiers who are taken out of action by bee stings.

More journalists have been killed in Gaza in nine months than were killed in Vietnam and World War II combined, but as the Middle East’s only democracy, Israel has every right to defend itself from journalism.

The Middle East’s only democracy recently had a political debate about whether it’s okay to rape prisoners with electrified metal poles. The outcome of the debate was it’s acceptable because Palestinians are all rapists. As you can see, this logic is flawless.

The rape suspects have now been released from custody and can hopefully return to their duties in the world’s most moral army. Thankfully, not a single western government is talking about their crimes because the Israeli lobby would cut their pocket money. This is why the UK prime minister has decided the best response to the attacks by Israel is to punish Iran.

Israel’s genocide is going so well that opinion polls show public sympathy lies with Palestine, but Sir Keir Starmer doesn’t care what you lot think. He just copies a senile man who is about to retire and won’t have to deal with the shitstorm he has unleashed. Isn't that reassuring?