https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/prime-minister-makes-hilarious-joke
This is grownup politics
Sep 25, 2024

If you had to endure this year’s Labour conference like I did, you will know it was truly awful. There were do-gooders everywhere wanting to do ridiculous things like protect pensioners, end climate destruction, and even put a stop to our nation’s favourite pastime: exterminating people in the Middle East.

It’s terrifying to think that five short years ago, Labour was under the control of people who think like this. Thankfully, Labour is now in better hands.

As Chancellor Reeves explained to someone who whined about arms to Israel, “Labour is no longer a party of protest”. Labour is now a party for people with a conscience to protest against until we lock them up! And lock them up they did.

Merseyside police were only too willing to rough up anyone who showed the slightest hint of empathy. Sadly, police were overwhelmed by the woke mob in what can only be described as a do-gooder apocalypse. Honestly, I would have preferred zombies.

We had to endure 15,000 protesters outside the building, siding with the terrorists at the International Court of Justice. I still don’t know why the ICJ is not a proscribed organisation.

Our eyes were scarred by the sight of placards and graffiti reminding us about children being scooped into carrier bags. The whole experience was excruciating for us, the real victims. I don’t know about you, but I hate being confronted by the consequences of our actions. I prefer to wallow in the perfection of my life and pretend human suffering around the world is to do with non-whites being inherently bad or having the wrong government. I very much resent being reminded of the harm my perfect ideology causes.

Thankfully, the Labour conference eventually came to an end and Sir Keir Starmer restored sanity with an electrifying closing speech in which he laid out an ambitious plan to keep everything the same.

The prime minister looked like true leadership material in a smart suit one of his donors probably paid for. Sadly, he tarnished things by demanding a “return of the sausages.” The fucking idiot was meant to say hostages, and oh god, I wish that was a joke, but thankfully, Starmer redeemed himself when a heckler interrupted proceedings.

Clearly, the whiny brat hadn’t seen the bruises the previous hecklers got and was unaware that in Starmer’s Britain, challenging a politician about their war crimes is a criminal offence.

Starmer was pretending he cares about children, saying: “Every child, every person deserves to be respected,” and then he said: “My sister, my sister…” Presumably, he was going to give us one of those riveting stories along the lines of “my father was a toolmaker”. Sadly, he didn’t get to say his sister uniquely has a child because someone shouted out: “What about the children in Gaza?”

At this point, I was deeply concerned. I thought Starmer was gonna have one of those politician moments where he pretends he’s sorry for Gaza’s plight but is sadly unable to stop sending Israel bombs. However, he owned the moment like the pro he is.

The prime minister pointed to the fool who expressed empathy for dying children and said: “This guy's obviously got a pass to the 2019 conference”. The heckler was wrestled to the floor by security and dragged out of the building. I hope he got what he deserved.

Starmer faked a smile, but he couldn’t quite force out a laugh (I think his CPU needs to be updated or something). Anyways, the joke was side-splittingly funny so I don’t know why you’re not laughing.

Starmer wasn’t even finished and droned: “We changed the party,” and he got a standing ovation from about a hundred neoliberals who have no friends and have never felt a moment of togetherness like this.

When Starmer offered change, he didn’t mean he was offering change from the Tories, he meant he was changing his party to the Tories. This is what the Labour members who matter wanted.

The prime minister spoke over the applause: “While he’s been protesting, we’ve been changing the party. That’s why we’ve got a Labour government!” This shows he’s in tune with the 17% of the public who don’t want to ban arms sales to Israel.

Incidentally, a whopping 17% of the electorate voted Labour at the last election so Starmer has an overwhelming mandate to ignore international law and the will of the majority who disagree with him.

Drunk on his parliamentary majority, and ignoring that he got 3 million fewer votes than Corbyn, and forgetting his approval ratings are lower than Sunak’s, Starmer decided now is the time to go full mask off. We are no longer afraid to show our fascism to the world and I’m all here for it.

Starmer has nothing to say about illegal arms sales to Israel and is so obsessed with Corbyn that he made the moment about him. It’s kind of like when you get a new boyfriend and he can’t stop talking about your ex who is richer and better looking, and you don’t even wanna mention he has a bigger… um, never mind.

Starmer’s joke about the pass didn’t even make sense, given the heckler was aged 13 in 2019. He is an 18-year-old who joined Labour in 2022, specifically because he was a Starmer supporter, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is the point was made. Even people who support Starmer aren’t welcome if they expect the prime minister to have values.

Back in 2019, Labour cared about petty things like genocide, but now it doesn’t pretend to care. Not even Tony Blair could pull this one off with such confidence. He pretended to be sad about the children he slaughtered in the Middle East, but pretence requires communication skills and Starmer has none.

Thankfully, Labour does grownup politics now, which is why they laugh about children being blown to pieces. I’ve been a card-carrying Tory my entire life, but I think Starmer has finally won me over. What a guy