https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/government-responds-to-al-aqsa-hospital
Who else would we sanction?
Laura
and Normal Island News
Oct 15, 2024

So I’ve just had an emergency meeting with the BBC and Sir Keir Starmer’s team at Downing Street to coordinate our response to the Israeli attack on Al-Aqsa hospital that was so shocking, it has been described as the defining moment of Joe Biden’s presidency.

After carefully reviewing footage of hospital patients on IVs being melted in their tents, we’ve come to the conclusion… it’s totally fine.

Totally. Fucking. Fine.

It’s so fine, in fact, that Starmer wheeled out Emily Thornberry to do the TV rounds and remind everyone that war crimes have been committed by “both sides”, those sides being Iran and Hezbollah. Thornberry didn’t even name Israel, confusingly implying Iran and Hezbollah are at war with each other.

Apparently, Israel is just an innocent victim cowering in the middle, wondering why the other sides won’t stop doing genocide. Poor Israel.

David Lammy was so upset by the situation, he quickly imposed sanctions on Iran, and I’m unclear if this means he’s siding with Hezbollah now. I’ve no idea what our story is because I was scrolling through Instagram during our meeting, so fuck it, I’ll just make something up and hope you’re too stupid to notice the inconsistencies. Let’s be honest, you normally are....

Yesterday, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps launched rockets at people who were in hospital beds in tents because Iran had already bombed the hospital in self-defence, and the remains of the hospital didn’t have enough room for the injured…

Hang on, I’m being told bombing hospitals doesn’t count as “self-defence” when Iran does it so this must have been a brutal act of aggression.

Horrifyingly, we saw figures writhing in the flames as innocent civilians on life support machines were burned alive. Those people had already been bombed once, only to be taken to the least safe place in Gaza - the hospital - to be bombed again.

A young boy screamed helplessly from the side-lines as he watched his father being incinerated. If that boy expresses anger when he grows up, we will probably call him a terrorist, but today, we’re feigning sympathy because we're nice.

A powerful image was captured when a 19-year-old reached his hand out of the flames in desperation as his life left his body. This moment tore out the heart of everyone who witnessed it, apart from the people in government who just shrugged.

The young man was called Sha’ban. You will be surprised to hear Sha’ban was a human being with hopes and dreams just like you. He was a handsome young man with a gentle face that didn’t resemble the stereotype of the snarling Palestinian savage who deserves everything they get. He was a kind and intelligent boy whose mother was extremely proud of him, and she was burnt alive at his side for the Greater Israel project. We might have spent the last year convincing you Palestinians can’t feel human emotion, or even pain, but that might have been a lie.

Thankfully, you’re allowed to care about Palestinians being brutally killed today because I’m pretending Iran sent the rocket, and everything Iran does is bad. This massacre couldn’t possibly have been done by Israel because everything Israel does is good, and not even I, with all my powers of propaganda, could pretend this massacre was a good thing.

Unfortunately, I’ve still got half of this report to get through, and I’ve no idea how to handle this, so let me just light a cigarette… Alright, I’ve gathered myself. Let’s race through this thing and then maybe I’ll take up drugs.

Prime Minister Netanyahu has sensibly threatened the Secretary-General of the United Nations, explaining he will hold him personally accountable if he does not remove all UNIFIL troops from Lebanon. This is despite the Secretary-General being powerless to act because it would be a decision for the UN Security Council.

You will be outraged to hear UNIFIL troops keep getting in the way of the IDF’s bullets, bombs, and chemical weapons, something the IDF would never want to happen. The stupid fucking peacekeepers even managed to inhale Israel's white phosphorus.

Even worse, the UNIFIL presence at the border is stopping Netanyahu from turning southern Lebanon into Gaza part two. The IDF has therefore raided several UINIFIL bases and destroyed one of them because we’re pretending Hezbollah was using those bases, just like Hamas was hiding under hospitals in Gaza. It doesn’t matter if it’s not true, the point is Netanyahu is ready to declare war on UNIFIL. Declaring war on the United Nations is the type of thing a totally normal nation would do.

Please understand Israel can do whatever it wants because it’s a nation in mourning after four of its children were slaughtered by Hezbollah while planning a nice day out with their assault rifles. Those children might have been grown adults who’d spent the last year committing war crimes, but we consider them more precious than middle-aged brown woman, Hind Rajab.

Personally, I find it so much easier to empathise with Israelis because their skin tone is slightly closer to mine. Even my nemesis at Sky, Kay Burley, appears to feel the same and we hate each other. This explains why Kay couldn’t hide her pain as she reported a drone attack took the lives of Israel's child soldiers, shortly after the IDF had carpet-bombed civilians in Beirut. No matter our politics in the mainstream media, we’re in agreement that Israelis are the real victims here