https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/the-united-states-of-americas-smartest
Congrats to AIPAC on getting one of its two candidates into the White House
Laura
and Normal Island News
Nov 06, 2024

In hugely exciting news, the smartest nation on earth has made its smartest ever individual president again because things went so brilliantly last time. America has a population of 333.29 million people and it can’t find anyone more competent than Donald Trump. This says so much about America, doesn’t it?

From 2016-2020, Trump was regarded by those who don’t count as the worst president ever, and then the Democrats retook the presidency. President Biden then did the one thing that could make him even less popular among non-corporations: he committed genocide.

Most of the time, the opinions of non-corporations don’t count, but some bright spark gave non-corporations the “vote” so they could pretend the US is a “democracy”. It’s not all sad news though, conservatives can now go back to making America great by building a fence, and liberals can go back to taking offence. They might even get sad about the children in cages again.

The US presidential election offered a choice between the person who will paint rainbows on bombs and the person who will definitely not paint rainbows on bombs. The choice of genocide is clearly important to Americans. The one thing that both sides can agree on is anyone who didn’t vote for genocide is a bad person. Thankfully, most Americans did vote for genocide.

You would think Americans would be united in their love for fascism, but the establishment long ago made two factions of fascism hate each other. This is because it’s better for workers to fight their neighbours than their bosses. If you grab your pitch fork, make sure you take it to the person who had the wrong campaign poster in their window. They deserve it.

Normal Island News is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

One thing for sure is the United States of America is a bitterly divided country. The one thing Americans hate more than every other country on earth is each other. As everyone keeps pointing out, if you didn’t vote for Kamala in this election, you must hate women and gay people, and if you didn’t vote for Trump, you must hate idiots and orange people. Hatred is what makes America the greatest nation on earth (apart from Israel).

If you’re among the millions of Americans who are not full of hatred, please shut the fuck up, no one cares what you think! Nice Americans are not allowed to have a voice in the empire, only utter bastards who tolerate child murder are. If you care too much about mutilated children, you are an extremist.

Kamala was the moderate choice in this election because she faked tears about the children she murdered whereas Trump was the strong choice because he got wild-eyed and maniacal. If you didn’t vote for Kamala, you’re insensitive, and if you didn’t vote for Trump, you’re weak, but if you even thought of voting for Stein, you deserve the electric chair.

The only people worse than those who vote for the wrong establishment candidate are the people who refuse to vote for the establishment. How anyone in the US could want change is beyond me.

The presidential election was a close-run thing because in order to make herself a shoo-in, Kamala would have had to say unthinkable things like “I will stop doing genocide”. Unfortunately, some bars are just too high to get over.

In fairness, Kamala promised to lower grocery prices and safeguard abortion rights, two things she didn’t bother doing over the last four years. Kamala also offered voters platitudes and being a “girl boss”, but nobody knew what this meant. Surprisingly, “Shh, I’m speaking,” didn’t win over voters.

We were told by the most consistent people on earth that Trump couldn’t be president because he’s too old (this argument was only ageist against Biden). Democrats even made fun of Trump’s skin colour because they think orange lives don’t matter. Personally, I think fake tan should be a protected characteristic.

One thing you’re not allowed to point out is that Trump’s foreign policy is indistinguishable from Kamala’s, and all the nicest mega-corporations like BlackRock said it didn’t matter who wins because nothing is going to change. The choice was between which spokesperson would make the empire look better, and voters chose the malfunctioning hand dryer full of Legionella spores.

The empire has decided it has no need for “inclusive imperialism”, after all. This means rich, white, heterosexual men get to monopolise things like genocide for the next four years. However, liberals decided Kamala’s defeat is the fault of the bigots who would never vote for genocide in a million years. They thought that if Stein didn’t run, they would have automatically got those votes, when in reality, those voters would have drawn a penis on their ballots.

The Biden administration probably should have changed election laws so Green votes went to the Democrats. Instead, they put up signs at polling stations, pretending Stein had dropped out of the race and votes for her wouldn’t count. This is because Democrats wanted to save democracy, but sadly, they failed.

Thankfully, liberals are taking defeat well by screaming every insult imaginable at people whose votes they were entitled to. It has not occurred to Democrats that inclusive imperialism does not appeal to their voter base because they only listen to their donors. This is why they will make the same mistakes again, next time around.

Liberals are deeply concerned that Trump is going to end democracy whereas they just wanted to jail a political opponent and censor the whole internet. They are even concerned Trump might do a bigger genocide than they did because they think only moderate genocides are acceptable. Fucking snowflakes.

Now that Trump has regained the presidency, the US does not have to make a sad face while it exterminates the Palestinians. It can proudly blow children to pieces like it did during the glory days of the empire. America is finally going to be great again