https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/south-korean-dictatorship-tragically
This must have been heartbreaking to witness...
Laura
and Normal Island News
Dec 04, 2024

Yesterday, I hadn’t even heard of South Korea, but given there is a north, it makes sense there is a south, right? Anyway, being the thorough journalist I am, I’ve conducted a 15-minute Google search, and even discussed my research with the smartest mind in the universe: Chat GPT. I’m therefore proud to announce I’m now a world-leading expert on South Korean politics, so let me tell you exactly what is going on over there!

Btw this report is 100% accurate so don’t you dare correct me, Mr Professor in South East Asian studies or whoever you think you are…

First of all, a brief history and geography lesson: no one is clear if South Korea is located near North Korea or if their naming similarities are just a coincidence. I can therefore reveal that both countries are actually located on the same land mass in somewhere called the “far east” (me neither).

The Korean peninsula has been in bother for decades in one of those rare instances where western meddling went wrong. In the 1950s, the US somehow got involved in a war that killed 20% of the northern population, leaving the peninsula divided into two countries. One of the Koreas is now considered the good Korea and the other is considered the bad Korea. No one will be mad if I get this the wrong way around, but to be safe, I’m gonna say both Koreas are crazy (it would be wrong to discriminate).

Anyway, 70 years after the well-meaning genocide, it’s all kicking off in South Korea and I have absolutely no idea why. All I know is the President of South Korea got mad because he couldn’t force through his agenda in the opposition-dominated parliament, so he decided to impose martial law. I’m sure my fellow opponents of democracy will agree this was a brilliant idea. If only Liz Truss had acted so boldly, sigh…

The South Korean president was enthusiastically supported by everyone in his country, apart from the opposition parties, the South Korean public, and most of his own party. It reminds me of the time Macron decided to ignore the results of the French election and made his mate prime minister while police beat up protesters. Only this time, it’s not a neoliberal who wants to steal democracy, it’s a conservative…

Six hours after the launch of the coup, the South Korean National Assembly selfishly voted to overturn martial law by 190-0. Fortunately, they didn’t have the authority because they were under martial law. It didn’t matter that the declaration of martial law didn’t meet legal requirements because no one had the military might to stand up to the army.

The South Korean army was eager to uphold the new dictatorship because armies are brilliant like that. They therefore decided to smash the windows of parliament because it was easier than knocking on the door. Either that or they just wanted to look cool. Perhaps they were hoping someone will make a movie out of this one day.

Incidentally, there has never been a movie about South Korea, but there has definitely been one TV show. No, it’s not called M*A*S*H, you idiot, it’s called Squid Game! This was a TV show about a contest where the last person alive wins loads of money and everyone else doesn’t because they’re dead. The director of Squid Game got in trouble for admitting his show was a critique of South Korean capitalism. Thankfully, he later changed his mind and pretended it was about communism so the capitalists didn’t kill him. This proved that capitalism is the most ethical system possible.

As you can see, everyone in South Korea agrees that South Korea is a super-normal country, unlike the weirdo dictatorship in the north. Tens of thousands of people were ready to swarm the South Korean capital Seoul (pronounced like the aquatic mammal), presumably in celebration of the destruction of their rights.

Sadly, the military realised their decision to suspend parliamentary activities was unconstitutional and they’d acted like dickheads. Suddenly, they were changing their mind about the martial law thing and hoping people didn’t make a movie. I mean who wants to be remembered as one of the idiots who took part in a coup that last six hours? It’s a bit embarrassing, isn’t it?

Tragically, both major parties have now decided to impeach the president, even though he changed his mind about his coup because the military weren’t on his side anymore. Thankfully, all hope is not lost: President Yoon Suk Yeol is optimistic he can pin his minor transgressions on a QAnon shaman and win re-election to help him avoid prison. I’ve got my fingers crossed