https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/israel-destroys-syrian-navy-due-to
It's unclear if they have blown up all the schools and hospitals
Laura
and Normal Island News
Dec 11, 2024

Israel says it has destroyed every vessel in the Syrian navy, due to worrying reports of tunnels under the water. It has also bombed targets in Damascus, Homs, Tartus, Latakia and Palmyr, but it’s unclear if it has blown up the schools and hospitals. Excitingly, the Israeli military raised its flag over the town of al-Khadr in a move that looked nothing like settler-colonialism.

Israel decided to invade Syria the moment the Assad regime fell because it never misses an opportunity to attack a neighbour. It’s kind of like seeing someone you don’t like passed out in the street and kicking them in the head, several hundred times, in self-defence.

Israel explained it has destroyed 80% of Syria’s military capacity to stop it becoming a “future military threat”, a label it could apply to any country on earth. Obviously, most countries aren’t as defenceless as Syria, but Israel has nukes so consider this a warning…

Pre-emptively attacking a country has no basis in international law, but the British government has reassured the public: “We will always support Israel's right to defend itself and make itself secure”. You would support Israel too, if Mossad had embarrassing tapes of you....

Now that Israel is bombing Syria, and a proscribed group has seized control of the capital, the UK is no longer accepting Syrian refugees. This is because the minorities who fled the brutality of HTS have nothing to fear now that HTS is in charge.

Anyway, this is a fantastic day for freedom and democracy because Israel can focus on destroying Palestine and Lebanon without resistance. This definitely wasn’t the plan from the start. It’s just a coincidence the terror group did our dirty work with the arms and training we gave them…

Now that Assad has fallen, we’re told proscribed terrorists are good actually, but the “moderate jihadists” are also so scary that Israel needs to destroy everything in Syria. There is absolutely no contradiction here. We've just been playing with matches and we’re worried we might burn our house down.

Awkwardly, the US still has a $10 million price tag on HTS leader al-Golani, but if you happen to meet the man, it’s safe to give him a hug. It’s kind of like visiting a petting zoo and finding out they have a child-friendly cobra. I’m sure there is nothing to worry about, but I’m not petting him. You fucking do it!

In heart warming news, Israel has declared the Golan Heights is theirs forever because liberated people are not allowed their own land. I’m pretty sure this is the first time Israel has ever stolen land. I’m reliably informed that all those other times, the land was given to them by god, but this time it was given to them by tanks.

Israel has actually gone much further than the Golan Heights and its tanks are outside of Damascus. I understand the Syrian land it has seized is six times the size of Gaza. As you can see, the Greater Israel project is coming along nicely. Israel is hopeful it can permanently occupy northern Gaza and southern Lebanon, and we are going to ignore international law to support this.

However, Israel isn't the only country enjoying the spoils of war. The plan is to share Syria among Israel, the US, and Turkey, while pretending Syria is a thriving democracy run by a wanted terrorist. If you don’t accept this crap, it’s because you are gullible and/or a conspiracy theorist. Will we get away with calling you a terrorist lover too? I’m not sure, given the empire is on the side of terrorists now, but we can give it a shot!

Anyways, we should take a moment to congratulate al-Qaida, I mean Daesh, I mean al-Nusra, I mean HTS, for winning the 23 year war on terror. All it took was several rebrands and tens of thousands of chopped heads, but the terrorists finally did it! And if they continue obeying the empire, we will remove their proscription so they can continue doing terrorist things forever. What a brilliant reward!