https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/elon-musk-confident-his-purchase
Just wait until you get a peak (sic) at his manifesto pledges...
Laura
and Normal Island News
Dec 18, 2024

In further proof that we live in a functioning democracy, Elon Musk has decided to buy the United Kingdom. I know what you’re all thinking, who the fuck would want to buy this shithole? And the answer is the same genius who bought the cesspit known as Twitter and somehow made it even worse! I bet you’re excited now, aren’t you?

Elon Musk is confident that his purchase of the UK will go just as well as his purchase of Twitter which collapsed in value as everyone left for Bluesky and the bots took over. It wasn’t all bad though because Elon brought, um, Nazis back into fashion. You can imagine what he has planned for the UK…

As a stupidly rich oligarch, Musk was one of the biggest victims of the British oligarchy and therefore felt compelled to act. Yes, he doesn’t live in our country, and yes, he makes stupid amounts of money from us, but the problem is no one in the UK likes his tweets anymore. Even worse, the insensitive fuckers keep calling his app Twitter (apparently Twitter has a new name now).

Anyway, Musk has drafted a manifesto and I’m told its much better than Luigi Mangione’s manifesto. Musk has not published it yet, but I can exclusively reveal his three biggest policies:

1. ban Bluesky in the UK

2. force everyone to like at least one of his tweets everyday

3. jail everyone who calls Twitter Twitter

One thing we can agree on is this manifesto looks no worse than any of the manifestos from the last election. All Musk needs to do is add in some hatred of refugees and the establishment parties could find themselves checkmated.

I’m told Labour and the Tories are concerned that Musk is taking advantage of the fact they’re absolutely fucking awful. Obviously, it’s unfair for a political party to be funded by rich people - Labour and the Tories would never do that, would they?

I understand Labour considered the possibility of banning corporate donations to clean up politics, but they realised they would go bankrupt because they offloaded several hundred thousand members when they dumped Corbyn. Come to think of it, that wasn’t the smartest move, was it?

Starmer just can’t understand why everyone hates him when he’s been nobly committing genocide while breaking manifesto promises faster than you can say “WASPI women”. Surprisingly, Starmer is the least popular prime minister after five months in office since records began, even though he uses Brylcreem and wears Hugo Boss suits.

Apparently, it’s not enough to “look prime ministerial” anymore because the working class can barely afford to eat. Hungry people have had a government who starved them mockingly and a government who starved them respectably. Might as well have a government that starves them indifferently. Hungry people deserve to be sold to the highest bidder.

My favourite aspect of British democracy is how the super rich get to choose which candidates can and can’t win elections. Your vote is just a secondary thing after the shortlist has been chosen and the necessary moves have been made to reduce the likelihood of you making the wrong choice.

I understand Musk intends to buy the UK for $100 million which is just £78 million in real money. It’s remarkable how cheap it is for rich people to buy a country, isn’t it? Thank god we don’t have more stringent anti-corruption laws!

While it’s against the law for people to throw huge sums of money at politicians, corporations are thankfully allowed to give them as much as they want. This is because democracy means giving representation to corporations: the word literally means “corporate power”.

Sadly, Musk can’t buy the British Isles outright so he is planning a “hostile takeover” which amounts to the same thing. Twitter is going to pile his money into the party that’s led by Nigel Farage and the lucky bastard who married Flick from Neighbours. He knows that you lot are stupid enough to vote for whichever candidate has the richest backers (you voted for Boris, remember?) and Musk is richer than all of the people he stole his ideas from.

While we’re furious about a Chinese man interfering in our affairs by befriending our most prominent nonce, it’s obviously fine for Musk to buy the UK. How else would we get another prime minister no one wants?

Musk’s choice of CEO is so popular it only took him about 17 tries, and several parties, to become an MP. When he eventually won a seat in parliament, it was only because Starmer told his candidate to drop out because he didn’t like the optics of a black guy beating a fascist. This is because Starmer and Farage have the same voter base.

Farage is so convinced that immigrants are the source of our problems that on his first day in office he plans to deport his own wife. As a child of apartheid who moved to the US, Musk is equally opposed to immigration. It’s unclear if he will emigrate to the country he plans to purchase, or if he just wants to turn Britain into a slave island where you’re forced to build his exploding cars.

No one knows why Musk is so fond of the man who wants to ban milkshakes and give his businesses a massive tax cut. Musk could easily have chosen Kemi Badenoch to be his puppet, but he wasn’t keen on the Tories’ first black female leader for some reason. I’m guessing he has more in common with the leader of the BNP, I mean UKIP, I mean the Brexit Party, I mean the Reform Party.

Just know that a vote for the billionaire-backed Farage is the anti-establishment vote. The former City of London trader who wears a tweed jacket and has a picture of Margaret Thatcher on his wall is definitely looking out for the little man. You need him