https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/met-police-prevent-three-mannequins
Normal Island News
3 hours ago

In a stunning display of bravery, several police officers successfully apprehended three mannequins and a blow-up doll in London today. Members of the public applauded as the heroic officers carried the suspects away. I’m confident they weren’t being sarcastic.

The inanimate objects were arrested on suspicion of plotting an act of terrorism that could’ve killed zero people outside the US Embassy. Officers confirmed the response was based on a hunch they had, rather than specific intelligence. Obviously no intelligence was needed to carry out these arrests.

Previously such arrests would’ve been impossible, but thanks to the bold leadership of Yvette Cooper literally anything that bothers Israel can be locked up now, including family pets and garden gnomes.

As mannequins are proscribed under the Terrorism Act 2000, any support for them can lead to up to 14 years in prison. This includes admiring the sparkly outfits they are wearing inside shop windows. You have been warned.

There is little doubt the suspects pose a serious threat to national security. They were discovered loitering near suspicious pensioners armed with bomb-making equipment, including blank pieces of card and marker pens. Detectives believe they recruited those pensioners as foot soldiers, but it remains unclear how given that none of them can speak.

Dozens of pensioners were arrested under suspicion of “meeting to purposefully commit a crime”—that crime being trying to prevent genocide. It’s feared they were radicalised while cardigan shopping in their local John Lewis.

All of the suspects are now being held in police custody for interrogation. Sources say none of the mannequins are cooperating, but one officer has requested some private time with the doll. I just hope no one’s stupid enough to release them on bail like those lads who were caught nicking diesel.

Prime Minister Andy Burnham wasted no time linking the doll and mannequins to Iran. He has no evidence to support this yet, but police are confident they will locate Iranian passports in an empty warehouse within the next few hours.