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    Surely it's a bit late for April Fools Jokes? Archived Message

    Posted by Bluefool on April 29, 2019, 2:51 pm, in reply to "Now it's Russian wales that our out to get us..."

    That is probably the best article I've ever read. They should have headlined it:

    Arch Villain Putin in Plot to Topple Capitalism by Disrupting Norwegian Arctic Fishing Industry!

    Here is my own re-write of the article, if the Guardian eds want to give me a job. Bits in Italics are actual quotes from it.

    Fisherman Joar Hesten     from the small Norwegian fishing village of Inga (so small it doesn't even register on Google Maps) was viciously attacked by a whale that was very tame and seemed used to human beings.

    This shocking encounter raised suspicions among marine experts that the animal had been given military-grade training by neighbouring Russia. This training is designed to “assist deepwater divers and if necessary kill any strangers who enter their territory”.

    Dolphins and seals meanwhile were trained to carry tools for divers and detect torpedoes, mines, and other ammunition which has sunk to depths of up to 120 metres.

    Of course the criminal's vanity always leads them to make one vital mistake. In this case the whale was wearing a tight harness which seemed to be for a camera or weapon. Printed inside the harness, which has now been removed from the whale, were the words “Equipment of St. Petersburg”.

    So it seems those bungling Ruskies have done it again, as during their research the Murmansk sea biology research institute concluded dolphins and seals were much more suited to the training and arctic climates than the beluga whales. The whales were deemed too sensitive to the cold and did not have the same “high professionalism” of seals, which had a far better memory for remembering oral commands.




    You really couldn't make it up. Although it does seem that somebody has.

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