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    Americans astonished to survive terrifying solar eclipse Archived Message

    Posted by Keith-264 on April 8, 2024, 11:40 pm

    https://www.normalisland.co.uk/p/americans-astonished-to-survive-terrifying

    Nobody has survived one of these before
    Laura K
    Apr 08, 2024

    The highest IQ nation on earth, the United States of America, experienced a terrifying situation today when the sun disappeared behind the moon for a few minutes, sparking fears it might never come back. Thanks to astonishing breakthroughs in science, Americans were able to predict the eclipse, but they had no idea what would happen next so they resorted to what they’re really good at: mass hysteria.

    Solar eclipses might have been going on since the beginning of time and the sun might have returned on all other occasions, but this time, anything could have happened.

    Several US states were forced to declare a state of emergency which gives them the power to impose martial law and issue contracts without proper oversight. Obviously, the main concern was public safety so a warning was issued to stock up on three days of food, fuel and water. I can only assume America’s water supply is cut off when it goes dark and shops are automatically closed.

    You might be puzzled by the three-day warning thing, but this has a perfectly rational explanation:

    Many Americans believed there would be three days of darkness during which demons would come out and attack enemies of the church, which is a totally normal thing to want to happen.

    Apparently, the only way to ensure your safety was to stay indoors and pray, but thankfully, Satan’s army stayed in Hell because those gen-Z demons are just as lazy as gen-Z humans. Don’t even get me started on millennial demons…

    Evangelicals were hopeful they would be raptured, but a spokesperson for Heaven explained they are the last people God would want to spend eternity with.

    Worryingly, demons weren’t the only concern for Americans: one of the biggest concerns was the eclipse would be the moment the aliens who travel lightyears to probe rectums would finally reveal themselves. You can imagine how scary this was for those who are familiar with the great prophecy from the movie Independence Day. But at least America was prepared for the worst, kind of…

    NASA launched three rockets under the pretence of measuring how the upper-atmosphere is affected during an eclipse, but the truth is these rockets were almost the full extent of the Earth Defence Force. Thankfully, there was a backup plan in Switzerland that worked out well.

    The CERN laboratory restarted after two years of inactivity to fire energy beams into the moon, which many assumed would open a portal to another dimension. However, the Large Hardon Collider actually closed the alien portal and saved the world, but there were a few tense moments along the way.

    In Oklahoma, members of an elite chemical, biological, radiological and nuclear unit emerged in hazard suits to monitor the situation, along with the national guard and a highway patrol unit.

    Surprisingly, this did not reassure the public, especially considering they were told they could lose cell phone coverage and would be unable to live stream the apoleclipse. Just think of all the likes they could have got while demons were eating their neighbours or aliens were zapping their children.

    Since social media clout was not on the cards, Americans did the only other thing they love: they grabbed their assault rifles.

    One courageous American panicked and fired his AR-15 into trees because birds started singing in his garden. He later told me he’d seen the movie Birds and thought the finches were going to eat him. This was a perfectly valid fear because no human has ever encountered a bird when it’s dark so anything could have happened, but surprisingly, nothing did.

    If you live in a normal country like I do, you could be forgiven for thinking this sounds like superstitious nonsense, but solar eclipses are known to provoke odd behaviours in the animal kingdom.

    For example, nocturnal creatures wake up, some panic, others start mating rituals, and Americans put on tin foil hats and prepare for the ultimate battle against the reptilians and greys. You will be reassured to hear these people have control of the world’s most powerful nuclear arsenal

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