You will be excited to hear there was a special treat in the water for the competitors of this year’s Thames Boat Race - everyone’s favourite coliform bacterium E. Coli!
E. Coli was a gift from Thames Water who explained they wanted to make this year’s race more exciting by introducing the risk of agonising pain, and even death, a decision inspired by movies such as the Running Man, Hunger Games and Death Race. One thing we can all agree on is the dystopian hell we’re living in makes for brilliant TV!
E. Coli is one of the best perks of neoliberalism because it can cause gastroenteritis, urinary tract infections, neonatal meningitis, haemorrhagic colitis, and Crohn's disease. In other words, all the illnesses you would want to inflict on people you hate - and English people hate no one more than each other!
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You will be ecstatic to know English water companies achieved a personal best of 3.6 million sewage spills last year, smashing the previous year when they only managed a paltry 1.75 million sewage spills. I know you were thinking the plan to turdify our waters was brilliant for deterring refugees in dinghies, but I bet you didn’t think it would improve our water sports, did you?
This year’s Thames Boat Race (which has been dubbed the “Therese Coffey Race of Doom”) was a glorious spectacle of skin lesions and projectile vomiting. Wet wipes, sanitary products, and my personal favourite, used condoms, could be seen bobbing alongside the panic-stricken rowers. One competitor told the BBC: "It would be a lot nicer if there wasn't as much poo in the water.” Bloody snowflake.
I think we can all agree the Therese Coffey Race of Doom was the perfect way to punish university students for being woke and objecting to our national pastimes such as committing genocide. I’m told one of the competitors is now in hospital, but given he has pink hair hair, enjoys listening to Sam Smith and presumably, worshipping Satan, a mouthful of turd granules was the least he deserved. I hope he is suffering.
Three fragile competitors had to miss training sessions due to illness and one competitor reported he had been vomiting before the race, but he dug deep and went for it anyway. This shows that sewage deposits are the perfect way to weed out the weakest specimens. Natural selection will take care of the snowflakes and the sturdier survivors can be conscripted for World War III.
What’s important is that all young people will be dead soon because let’s be honest, gen-Z is a total write-off.
The winners of the Therese Coffey Race of Doom were warned against the tradition of throwing the cox into the water because it was unsafe to enter a river they had just been rowing in. One of the winners said: “Why are you telling us this after the race and not before?” but the Thames Water representative shrugged and mumbled something about shareholder dividends.
I instinctively laughed, but then it dawned that perhaps I could be affected by E. Coli and this made me less keen on the idea so I spoke with the Thames Water representative. He told me that improving water safety was a “key focus” and explained:
“We were quite happy to ignore the public safety aspect until Tory voters complained, so now we’re pretending to be concerned and hoping the government lets us get away with it.
“To be safe, we’ve slipped a few ministers backhanders so they look the other way. It turns out buying politicians is much cheaper than investing in sewage treatment, so this is our key strategy for the next decade.”
This seems like an effective strategy because the Labour Party agrees with the Tories that nationalisation would be a terrible idea - it makes much more sense for our bills to pay dividends than improve services. This is the cost-effective solution.
As a stop-gap, Thames Water has offered concerned customers the option of letting sewage back up into their homes, if they’re concerned about the impacts of river pollution. Only the free market offers such exciting options to the customer.
This is why I love capitalism, the bare minimum of safety standards become vague targets to aim for, as long as they don’t impact corporate profits. The alternative is you pay 40% extra for the service, just so you can have minimal water quality. Everyone who can’t afford to be exploited in this way doesn’t deserve water anywayThe last working-class hero in England.
Clio the cat, ? July 1997 - 1 May 2016 Kira the cat, ? ? 2010 - 3 August 2018 Jasper the Ruffian cat ? ? ? - 4 November 2021
Re: Thames Water introduces E. Coli to Thames Boat Race
"...You will be ecstatic to know English water companies achieved a personal best of 3.6 million sewage spills last year, smashing the previous year when they only managed a paltry 1.75 million sewage spills."
-Ah but what I really want to know is this: does doubling these shit spills increase UK GDP? In other words is the economy benefiting?
Funny how Eylon Levy was free to spout bollocks until he lied to the pig shagger and now the sewage companies have been free to spout shite until it interfered with some poshos fucking about on the river.
There's a common factor there but it escapes me.......no amount of cajolery, and no attempts at ethical or social seduction, can eradicate from my heart a deep burning hatred for the Tory Party...So far as I am concerned they are lower than vermin.
Freudian slip: Sewage companies of course being water companies!
Ha. Quite telling....no amount of cajolery, and no attempts at ethical or social seduction, can eradicate from my heart a deep burning hatred for the Tory Party...So far as I am concerned they are lower than vermin.
I attract opprobrium when I describe Britain as a "public convenience" but it undoubtedly is! nm
Funny how such major and prestigious sporting events are ruining reputations..somebody should have told them; "shit floats and it smells (yes even yours)!" That's the measure though, we should call it "The Greater Stink" esp. as it floats past the City..Starmer can't smell it though...hence the NATO toadyism (did you see Stoltenberg -now celebrating his decade on the job-, advocating for an expansion of NATO's role and reach today?), ...and, of-course, why he intends to do nothing about Libor, hence preventing the (limited amount of), public borrowing (along with an "emergence" based taxation system), that would truly enable us to kick-start our economy...the neoliberal is a capitalist we all know that....it's sad how many people who claim to be Schumachian in their beliefs are really closet neolibs it's a fact they especially try to hide from themselves... #bytheirworksshallyeknowthem
on April 2, 2024, 10:31 am