You’re going to want to sit down for this one, but a Tory MP has been involved in a sex and blackmail scandal. I know, I can’t believe it either! I honestly thought the Tories had put that stuff behind them with the departure of Boris Johnson, but apparently not.
It turns out someone called William Wragg, who no one’s ever heard of, was being blackmailed by one of his friends on Grindr - the social media app that’s popular with homophobic politicians who preach about traditional family values.
The 36-year-old Wragg, who is described as a “senior Tory” by journalists because he has worked for five Tory prime ministers and looks much older than he is, was previously chair of a Select Committee when he called for Boris Johnson to resign in protest at his lockdown parties and harassment of attractive young secretaries. As you can see, Wragg is a man of impeccable integrity and we shouldn’t let one moment of weakness define a career in which he achieved nothing.
Wragg naively thought he was falling in love with a stranger on Grindr, but sadly, the stranger threatened to project Wragg’s dick pics onto the Houses of Parliament unless he did as he was told, leaving the MP in an impossible predicament - he either had to come clean and face the music, or throw his colleagues under a bus, so, of course, he threw his colleagues under a bus!
In a desperate attempt to keep his leather-clad selfies hidden from public view, he gave his blackmailer the phone numbers of MPs, staff and journalists. The blackmailer sent nudes to these people and two of them were so flattered by the gesture, they sent nudes back! Who said romance is dead?
I’m unclear who the two lovestruck MPs were, but let’s not be too hard on them. The only thing they’re guilty of is trusting the person they’d never met and who said “hello” by sending a picture of his genitalia. Let’s be honest, it could happen to any of us. (You don’t want to know how Boris Johnson said “hello” to me, first time we met.)
Unfortunately, the blackmail didn’t work on everyone because not all of the targets responded to the dick pics, although they were clear to emphasise this was nothing to do with common sense or integrity.
For example, 376-year-old member of the undead, Jacob Rees-Mogg, explained he is incapable of getting aroused, and Suella Braverman insisted she is only aroused by the screams of dying children. Rishi Sunak, of course, was created in a lab without genitalia and only experiences something vaguely similar to human emotion when he’s accumulating wealth. This means only the normallest of the MPs who were targeted by the blackmailer sent dick pics back.
Although two of the victims are yet to come clean, Wragg has issued a grovelling apology for his lack of judgement and confessed he has a weakness for flattery and dick pics (haven’t we all?)
I don’t know about you, but I’m perfectly comfortable with our economy and national security being in the hands of MPs who fall for phishing scams. We are led by people who go through their junk folder and send their bank details to Nigerian princes, but at least they didn’t get caught out by a honey pot from a sophisticated state actor. At least they weren’t stupid enough to visit one of the palazzos that Boris Johnson used to frequent without a security detail, or one of those rape islands where Prince Andrew took selfies with teenage girls he’d never met. Only the most important people are allowed to be that stupid.
Given the penchant of our political class to support the very worst countries on earth, there is every chance the latest scandal is the tip of the iceberg and hostile state actors have kompromat on every government minister.
Does it make you feel good to know our leaders could be guilty of war crimes because they can’t keep their dicks in their pants? Because it makes me feel fantastic! Isn’t that what we elect them for?The last working-class hero in England.
Clio the cat, ? July 1997 - 1 May 2016 Kira the cat, ? ? 2010 - 3 August 2018 Jasper the Ruffian cat ? ? ? - 4 November 2021
"We shouldn’t let one moment of weakness define a career in which he achieved nothing". nm
on April 6, 2024, 2:46 pm