As if the sewage on our beaches and the E. Coli in our rivers and the Thérèse Coffey in our government weren’t exciting enough, neoliberalism has elevated customer service to the next level by putting parasites in our drinking water! Excitingly, hundreds of people are believed to have been infected by cryptosporidiosis and that could be the tip of the iceberg.
It’s understood a damaged air valve allowed animal waste into the water supply because it’s more profitable to not maintain these things, and a system where essential utilities are run for profit, rather than human need, makes much more sense. Only a natural monopoly could allow corporations to get away with this level of exploitation.
A spokesperson for neoliberalism gushed: “Things are going brilliantly! We are slowly but surely destroying the idea of public service and creating a system where people have no choice but to give us money, no matter how much we rip them off. God bless Margaret Thatcher!”
Indeed.
Following numerous reports of stomach pains and an unpleasant taste in tap water, authorities sensibly told the public the water was safe to drink for weeks. When the problem was finally identified, they didn’t bother notifying many of the people in the catchment area because who could be bothered? It’s understood the water company took inspiration from the lead contamination in Flint, Michigan because all the best ideas come from the US.
South West Water has been so on top of the situation that its staff were telling the public the water was safe to drink, even as official advice was to boil before drinking. Obviously, boiled water will definitely not burn your insides and anyone who doesn’t want to bathe in animal waste is a stupid socialist. Poor water quality is the price we all have to pay for executive salaries and shareholder dividends.
South West Water initially claimed its treatment facilities were not to blame for the parasites, but now it’s taking full credit for its successes and looks forward to announcing record annual profits. I’m unclear if the company has done a Boeing on any whistle blowers yet, but there is still time…
It looks like the projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhoea might only be the start because scientists say the parasite could still be in the incubation period. Excitingly, it’s hoped it could take control of its host’s motor-functions, turning them into Last of Us zombies. It remains unclear whether this hope is well-founded or just wishful thinking, but a zombie apocalypse is the only way neoliberalism could get better at this point.
Among the first people infected by the zombie parasite were attendees at the Brixham Pirate Festival who only had themselves to blame for opting against drinking gin. Experts say more affordable options for the safety conscious than gin include drinking your own urine and drinking nothing at all.
Shops are already running out of bottled water as the sensible British people do what they do best - panic buy. We’ve not seen this level of forward planning since toilet roll ran out during the Covid-19 outbreak. Good luck trying to get zombies to adhere to a lockdown though.
If you thought the cryptosporidium parasites weren’t enough, another exciting upgrade South West Water has introduced to our water system is flooding! The company was responsible for an impressive 58,249 overflow incidents last year and is being sued for turning the sea into a brown sludge that is definitely safe for swimmers. One of the water company’s most spectacular achievements was when sewage pipes burst in Exeter, resulting in a whopping 240 tanker loads of sewage each day. No wonder it has been awarded the Thérèse Coffey Prize for Indifference to Human Health.
Reassuringly, bosses are understood to be working on a tiered system with water quality that used to be free set to become Premium Water (AKA drinkable water) with a monthly subscription fee of £450. If you’re not willing to pay your fair share, you’ll have the option of the cheaper Cryptosporidium Water at only £300 a month. Personally, I think you should opt for the latter to help advance medical science.
As you can see, neoliberalism is brilliant at taking every good thing we had in the last century and making it much more expensive, and of much lower quality, while screaming that everyone who opposes neoliberalism is a lunatic who doesn’t understand economics!
Don’t you love neoliberalism’s ability to make you pay for things you never needed before neoliberalism, like bottled water or filters? Don’t you love… progress?The last working-class hero in England.
Clio the cat, ? July 1997 - 1 May 2016 Kira the cat, ? ? 2010 - 3 August 2018 Jasper the Ruffian cat ? ? ? - 4 November 2021
Good luck trying to get zombies to adhere to a lockdown though.
on May 18, 2024, 10:15 am