The man who is going to be your next prime minster (Rishi Starmer or Sir Keir Sunak) has spelled out their stunning vision for the country which includes keeping everything exactly the same and using austerity to solve austerity.
You already knew that part, of course, but in a move no one expected, they have finally gone and answered the biggest question of all: No, not is the Loch Ness monster real?! It is, but they’ve answered the much bigger question of do women have a penis?
Starmer explained he got Wes Streeting to look up 1,000 skirts (obviously it’s safe because he’s gay) and he found that 99.9% of women have a vagina. Sunak explained he’s never seen a woman naked (not even Akshata), but he’s pretty sure that’s wrong.
While there is some disagreement on the biggest scientific challenge since the attempt to unify classical and quantum mechanics, both leaders agree answering this question in no way demeans the office of prime minister.
I know what you’re all thinking: thank god our leaders are finally talking about genitalia! Our next prime minister’s thoughts on dicks and pussies are the only way to stop my bank/landlord from making me homeless. I’m so glad we’re doing grown up politics now!
My only gripe is that we did not get all of the answers from the uni-leader that we need, but there is still time. If I were to host the next TV debate (hint, hint, BBC!), here are the big questions I would ask:
Shall we introduce mandatory genital inspections? What are your thoughts on hermaphrodites? Shall we throw them into the sea? Or spare them? Is the earth, in fact, flat? Was Liz Truss an unforeseen vaccine side-effect? Is sewage in the channel the best way to deter migrant dinghies? Do you have Union Jack bed sheets? What about underwear? Are you as boring as you seem in the bedroom because it looks like your wife fakes an awful lot of headaches?
Normal Island News is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
I’m sure we would get brilliant answers to these important questions because we have two leaders who are in tune with ordinary people. Yet Starmer, who has a huge majority but negative approval rating, was strangely worried about Sunak’s attack on his working class credentials.
Sunak warned struggling billionaires that Starmer is looking at 17 ways to come after your cash. He clarified this includes the temporarily embarrassed aspiring billionaires who vote Tory, even though they’re broke. Rachel Reeves leapt to Starmer’s defence, reminding everyone that bankers’ fingerprints are all over Labour’s manifesto. Onlookers were surprised at the admission the manifesto is a crime scene, but at least Reeves was siding with the criminals. That is the job of politicians, after all.
If I have this right, Starmer is a former nurse who married a toolmaker so he understands what working people need, and if you don’t agree with that, you must hate the working class.
Sunak, who is worth £700 million, explained he is currently undergoing counselling to recover from a childhood without Sky TV, so he knows what the struggle is all about. The thought of growing up without Rugrats and Aargh, Real Monsters! is simply unbearable. I honestly can’t decide who has the bigger sob story here.
To protect Starmer’s 276-point lead, the BBC had a televised announcement so a billionaire no one has heard of could tell you his voting intention. I don’t know about you, but I can never decide how to vote until a random billionaire gives their endorsement.
The random billionaire gloated that Labour has finally fulfilled Keir Hardie’s dream of purging the left, so the party fully represents corporations. This means we now have not one, not two, not three, but four parties representing billionaires! I think I just did a wee.
The random billionaire endorsement came as a huge relief to Starmer who had caused fury among the billionaire community by suggesting rich people don’t count as workers. Young voters were getting excited that Starmer had finally said something “based”. I’m not sure what this word means, but it looks like Starmer had probably malfunctioned.
Labour has reassured its donors it does indeed represent billionaires and Starmer was trying to talk out of both sides of his mouth. I’m not sure why he was even bothering. All he needs to do is look like a blemish-free version of Sunak and there is no way Sunak can get more votes than him.
The Tories have a real problem, but Sunak is doing his utmost to remind everyone of their successes during their 14-year reign of terror. Sunak pointed to Michelle Mone and Dido Harding and boasted that his party’s record speaks for itself. Surprisingly, this did not go down well with the public.
Things got even worse when the man who is supplying the bombs for a genocide was asked if his reputation will ever recover from leaving D-day celebrations early. The British people totally have their priorities in order.
Sunak is getting so desperate for votes he dredged up my ex, Boris fucking Johnson, to do his buffoon act for the cameras again. I don’t know why Sunak would stoop this low when there is a whole Liz Truss sitting in a cupboard, just waiting to be reactivated so she can save the country from the problems caused by Liz Truss. Sadly, it looks like the Trussbot is going to remain dormant until we start a war with China. But if one positive can come from the return of Boris, it’s that cocaine parties are a good distraction from the fact the Tories are offering absolutely nothing. God knows the Tories need something to hide their nothing!
This election is a giant game of musical chairs in which two-thirds of Tories are going to find themselves with nowhere to sit, unless they can succeed in last minute bids to join the Labour Party. It’s not too late for that, is it? I’ll be honest with you, I’ve no idea how election rules work. I mean it’s not like it’s my job to know!
All I know is Sunak has declared he is on a “moral mission” to cut the taxes his party set to the highest in our country’s history. He said when he catches the person who did this, they are gonna be in so much trouble. Personally, I blame the anti-growth coalition.
At least Sunak was able to boast that prices are finally coming down now that inflation is at 2%. You can imagine the former investment banker's shock when someone who buys their own groceries explained this is not how inflation works. I’m as confused as everyone else who doesn’t know the price of milk.
Far-right nutter Nigel Farage caused awkward scenes when he published a manifesto that was indistinguishable from Labour’s and the Tories’. But all this means is one of the three best parties is going to win, and if they somehow fail, we’ve got our backup called the “Liberal Democrats”, but we don’t talk about them because let’s be honest, they’re a bit embarrassing.
While the establishment looks certain to win its 12th election in a row, there is one potential curve ball. The party leaders are understood to be terrified at the prospect of a late surge from a turnip with googly eyes after what the lettuce did to Liz Truss. If Liz can be taken down after the roaring success of her mini-budget, anyone can be taken down.
Sunak, who is sitting at a Downing Street window, staring tearily at an incoming asteroid, is not prepared to go down without a fight. He has come up with a jaw-dropping flagship policy, a dramatic last gasp attempt to save his party from extinction: he is planning a national badger cull. At last, someone has realised what we need to do is massacre the nation’s favourite animal!
If the great badger massacre proves a success, Sunak hopes to reintroduce seal clubbing, as well as a similar strategy for dealing with working class children. Someone needs to make the tough decisions and Starmer is so woke, he won’t go further than capping child benefit. Thankfully, he has agreed to not cap bankers’ bonuses in the name of social justice.
To exploit Labour’s wokeness, Sunak has hinted he will introduce assisted dying, which should come as a great relief to everyone who just can’t take this shit anymore. Dignitas UK is expected to become more popular than Alton Towers or the local foodbank. In fact, it will probably replace the local foodbank. Personally I can’t waitThe last working-class hero in England.
Clio the cat, ? July 1997 - 1 May 2016 Kira the cat, ? ? 2010 - 3 August 2018 Jasper the Ruffian cat ? ? ? - 4 November 2021
on June 19, 2024, 8:43 pm