Politicians have demanded the return of the death penalty to deal with the criminals who vandalised Stonehenge. Sensibly, the government is introducing laws that would treat Just Stop Oil like terrorists so they can get along with the job of climate breakdown unimpeded.
It’s unclear if the punishment for cornflour attacks would involve putting people on a rack because “human rights” might get in the way, but nevertheless, Suella Braverman has volunteered for the role of executioner. She is always the optimist.
Whatever is decided, one thing is clear, something must be done to deal with this new wave of terror.
In what was unquestionably the deadliest act of the 21st century, Just Stop Oil terrorists threw cornflour on our historical monument on Thursday, prompting fears hippies might no longer be able to communicate with spirits there. These people just never think things through, do they?
It’s fair to say this level of destruction has not been seen since the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in World War II, although thankfully, the death toll was slightly lower then.
Cornflour - a thickening agent used in many foods - is so destructive it leaves orange marks on stone and has to be washed off, otherwise the rain might do it for us. There are calls to have cornflour banned before it’s used in another terror attack that requires washing afterwards.
Understandably, the people who didn’t blink when 16,000 Palestinian children were wiped off the face off the earth were deeply concerned the washing process could remove algae from the big stones in the ground.
One man in a pub garden in Dagenham raged: “I didn’t fight in two world wars just for someone to put our nation's algae at risk!”
Another man muttered: “You’re 52, Neil, I don’t think you were old enough to fight in those wars!” and Neil decked him for siding with the violent terrorists. Everyone clapped.
The damage to Stonehenge was so severe the orange marks could not be removed until later that day, meaning anyone who visited the heritage site within a short window would have seen the orange marks.
I can’t help thinking this is much worse than the time those rowers got E. Coli during the 2024 boat race between Oxford and Cambridge. At least they were only dealing with untreated sewage splashing into their mouths. They’re gonna be so upset when they hear what the algae went through.
Therese Coffey, who proudly pumped three trillion gallons of shit into our lakes and rivers, was disgusted at Just Stop Oil. She explained harming the environment is only acceptable when “one of our donors is cutting corners to save money” and causing minor damage to prevent much greater damage is “clearly wrong”. Clearly, Therese Coffey is the greatest environment secretary we’ve ever had.
Thankfully, many other politicians who don’t have much to say about climate breakdown or genocide were quick to condemn Just Stop Oil. The world is so hot that monkeys are falling dead out of trees, but when I succumb to heat stroke, I will spend my dying moments content that Yvette Cooper said the people who tried to stop this “can never be tolerated”. Yvette would’ve been so mad at the suffragettes.
Personally, I can’t understand how the world is going so wrong when we have such strong leadership. Our prime minister for the next two weeks has been first class on this issue.
Rishi Sunak explained: “When we issue new gas and oil exploration licences, the environment is our top priority, and we’ve made the calculation everything will be fine for the remainder of my lifetime. Scientists tell me I’m wrong, and it’s not just my own children I’m screwing over, it’s my generation too, but last time I defied scientists, I gave you the Eat Out to Help Out scheme and that worked out brilliantly. Clearly, I know what I’m doing more than those idiot scientists.”
I don’t know about you, but I feel totally reassured by these words. Will the next prime minister show such strong judgement though? Personally, I think we should start a Just Save Oil movement in case Starmer goes soft on us when the great drought of 2025 arrivesThe last working-class hero in England.
Clio the cat, ? July 1997 - 1 May 2016 Kira the cat, ? ? 2010 - 3 August 2018 Jasper the Ruffian cat ? ? ? - 4 November 2021
Re: Genocide supporters say damage to Stonehenge worst destruction they've ever seen
on June 23, 2024, 12:37 pm