The US was feeling sad after failing to drone-bomb Julian Assange for telling the truth about Hillary Clinton so it wanted to cheer itself up. Therefore, it decided it would be fun to do another coup in Bolivia. I know, I know, a CIA coup in Latin America is one of the all-time classics!
Sadly, it did not work out this time because the coup was crushed before the state department could even condemn President Arce and offer support to the Bolivian army. I’m told Antony Blinken was still learning his lines when he was told not to bother because the dream was over before it had begun.
Devastatingly, the White House suffered its second humiliation in the space of just two days. They’d spent hours concocting a cock and bull story about why this coup was just as necessary as the one in 2019 when we pretended Evo Morales had committed election fraud, but sadly, this latest cock and bull story never got to see the light of day.
I’m told the coup attempt lasted all of 75 seconds, meaning General Zuniga broke the world premature ejaculation record and then soiled himself. It all started off so well too. The Bolivian military smashed down the doors of the presidential palace with armoured vehicles, but General Zuniga was confronted by President Arce who ordered him to stand down. You can imagine how embarrassing it was when Zuniga realised his soldiers were massively outnumbered by the civilians who’d taken to the streets with pitch forks. The general realised the safest option was to accept arrest before the people could get their hands on him because Bolivians do not fuck about.
What this all means is the 2024 coup somehow went even worse than the last one, which is about as impressive a feat as Joe Biden having lower approval ratings than Donald Trump. This was not supposed to be possible!
Last time around, the empire democratically elected someone called Jeanine Anez as interim president without any Bolivian voting for her. Sadly, Bolivians do not love democracy like we do and when they finally got to vote again, they elected the wrong person. Obviously, this could not be allowed to stand. The lesser countries are only allowed democracy if they vote the way we want them to. If they refuse, we arrange a new leader faster than you can say “Henry Kissinger is dead!” This is how freedom works.
Jeanine Anez was a brilliant representative for the US empire because the first thing she did as interim president was give the army immunity from prosecution. It then unexpectedly slaughtered the protesters who thought Bolivians should be allowed to choose their leader. Not many things can unify the uniparty, but I’m told politicians from both sides of the aisle were cheering and discussing if they could do the same in the US. Life is so much easier when you can gun down protesters.
For a brief but beautiful period, Bolivia was governed the way all states should be, but all good things must come to an end. Sadly, Jeanine Anez ended up in jail which is where General Zuniga is heading. This means Bolivia will not be gunning down people with the wrong opinions for the foreseeable future. What a mess!
The humiliation reverberated across the world as news of the failed coup broke. EU leaders were forced to pretend they respect Bolivian democracy, however, the US could not be bothered to pretend. Blinken just muttered something about appealing for calm and left it at that. Sensibly, he later clarified it’s fine to overrun government buildings unless Trump supporters are doing the overrunning, in which case it’s the worst moment since 9/11.
All the goodhearted Americans who wanted to plunder Bolivia’s natural resources and use its workforce as slave labour are struggling to come to terms with what has happened. The White House is understandably in disarray. The empire just wanted a puppet dictator who would stop selling lithium to China and help Elon Musk make batteries for his exploding cars.
Worryingly, the situation could lead to a global shortage of exploding cars, but thankfully a solution is at hand.
A clearly emotionless Antony Blinken gave a moving speech in which he called for a random person to become the rightful leader of Bolivia and sell lithium to the US at below market rate. A totally random man called Juan Guaido courageously stood up and said “I’ll fucking do it!” Therefore, Juan Guaido is now the rightful leader of Bolivia, although it’s unclear if he is still the rightful leader of Venezuela (another country where no one has heard of him).
All you need to know is anyone who does not respect the legitimacy of Juan Guaido's presidency is a bad person who hates freedom and democracyThe last working-class hero in England.
Clio the cat, ? July 1997 - 1 May 2016 Kira the cat, ? ? 2010 - 3 August 2018 Jasper the Ruffian cat ? ? ? - 4 November 2021
Re: US declares totally random man is rightful leader of Bolivia
on June 27, 2024, 10:10 pm