The greatest nation on earth has confirmed two grouchy old men who took to the stage in a televised battle to be the figurehead of the uniparty for the next four years are easily the two most capable individuals in a country of 332 million.
It was the greatest rematch of all time, like another Ali vs Foreman or Kurt vs Tong Po, as the men wore hand wraps dipped in broken glass and adult diapers sponsored by AIPAC. The pair exchanged brutal blows throughout the debate, but unquestionably the biggest challenge they faced was reading from an autocue because they couldn’t hold their eyes open. And neither could anyone else.
These two prime specimens, whose rugged athleticism is matched only by their fierce intellects, are clearly the only choices to run the most powerful war machine the world has ever seen, which is why none of the other candidates were allowed onto the stage.
Just imagine if Jill Stein or RFK jr were allowed to talk about how corporations have completely fucked Americans over, and nothing ever changes, no matter which wing of the uniparty is in charge. Americans might start realising there are alternatives that don’t involve BlackRock and Vanguard owning everything, including their souls.
Democracy is when the establishment decides which two identical candidates you are allowed to choose from, and they will only narrow it down to the very best. This is why nothing ever goes wrong when the US elects a president.
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Obviously, I want everyone to love me, so I would like to clarify that I love Donald Trump and Joe Biden as much as their donors do. I’m a real people pleaser and I’m confident that no matter who Americans choose, the 1% will continue to thrive.
The candidates, who are coincidentally funded by the same people, have dramatically different visions that include doing everything exactly the same and knowing they won’t live long enough to see the consequences.
If you couldn’t be bothered to watch the debate because you’re normal, here are the key policy differences:
Trump acts like the climate crisis doesn’t exist whereas Biden pretends he’s doing something about it. Trump would take away abortion rights whereas Biden would use abortion as a fundraising tool. Trump says he would go harder on genocide whereas Biden pretends he is pushing for peace. Trump grabs ‘em by the pussy whereas Biden sniffs hair. Both men prefer to talk about their golf swings and agree corporate greed is the fault of refugees at the border.
The Republicans feel they have a real statesman now because they’ve finally taught their man to stop farting and picking his nose in public. This means Trump is the underwhelming favourite to win and this is hugely exciting, given what a roaring success he was last time.
The Democrats were so enthused by their guy’s performance, they were left asking: “Is it too late to replace him?” but it was hardly Biden’s fault they scheduled the debate during nap time.
Sadly, the Democrats have decided it’s too late to replace Biden because Michelle Obama couldn’t be arsed to stand (and no one wants Hillary Clinton), so their strategy is to call you ageist if you point out sleepy Joe is not fit to run a convenience store, let alone a country. If you don’t vote Biden, you hate old people, you bastard!
Whoever wins in November, I’m more than confident they can take the world several steps closer to destruction by signing bills that energy companies and arms manufacturers put on their desk and pretending this counts as leadership. God Bless AmericaThe last working-class hero in England.
Clio the cat, ? July 1997 - 1 May 2016 Kira the cat, ? ? 2010 - 3 August 2018 Jasper the Ruffian cat ? ? ? - 4 November 2021
Re: Americans confirm Joe Biden and Donald Trump are the very best they've got
Surely the NYT coming out and calling for him to step down has to force them to reconsider. If they keep that stance that will be once of the biggest mainstream props for their campaign actively calling for the candidate to step down.
They don't really have anyone else mind you. I saw the cult at the fraudian were all getting excited about Mayo Pete the robot boy. Please.......no amount of cajolery, and no attempts at ethical or social seduction, can eradicate from my heart a deep burning hatred for the Tory Party...So far as I am concerned they are lower than vermin.
He has to be toast, surely....no amount of cajolery, and no attempts at ethical or social seduction, can eradicate from my heart a deep burning hatred for the Tory Party...So far as I am concerned they are lower than vermin.
on June 29, 2024, 5:32 pm