It has been 36 hours since Israel’s much anticipated attack on Iran went about as well as a drunk swinging at a bouncer and landing flat on his face in a puddle, then struggling to get back to his feet and staggering away, slurring, “I’ll get you next time,” while all the women laugh.
We’ve all been scratching our heads, wondering what went wrong as our fantasies of leaving Iran in ruins were left in ruins… and Iran was left intact. As everyone knows, you measure military success by how much civilian infrastructure you destroy per bomb. You can imagine how mortified the IDF was when it didn’t destroy a single Iranian hospital. Not even a fucking school. Not even an apartment building with an imaginary tunnel running beneath. It truly defies belief.
The IDF tried to order everyone in Iran to move into “safe zones” and keep marching from one end of their country to the other until their feet bled, but Iranians just laughed. It’s amazing how people won’t follow your orders, unless you’re terrorising them with sniper drones. Contrast the Iranians with the Zionists in the west who wet their pants every time they see a Palestinian flag. It should be obvious who the real victims are: the people who aren’t even from the region, but say they have “nowhere else to go”.
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When news of Israel’s failure reached Apartheid HQ, Polish immigrants Netanyahu and Gallant tearily held hands and cowered in their bunker, praying Iran didn’t respond with hypersonic missiles. I’m unclear if Netanyahu has come out of his safe space yet, or even let go of Gallant’s hand. It truly is a terrifying time and the question on everyone’s lips is what went wrong?
Well, I can exclusively reveal Israel’s humiliating failure was down to confusion caused by the change in targets. Israel’s state-of-the-art missile system is calibrated to tackle the deadliest of foes, such as civilians in tents, and just wasn’t up to the task of taking on a foe that can fight back. How were we supposed to know Iranians can fight back?
Surprisingly, Iran has air defences and decoys as well as near-impenetrable bunkers. Even worse, it has spent 20 years preparing for this moment and our side (the good guys) has spent those 20 years using children as target practice. I can’t help thinking our preparation might have been inadequate.
The Iran attack was so embarrassing that Israel released an image of an explosion from a different attack, unaware there is a whole internet out there and people can work these things out. Sadly, Israel still thinks everyone is living in 1984 and would very much like to keep us there. Israeli media pretended the attack was a massive success, but even Israelis weren’t buying it and they’re the most brainwashed population on earth.
Israelis were raging on social media because they’d spent all their time saying things like “don’t start a war you can’t win” and then they started a war they can’t win. Poor Israel now has to come up with a strategy that doesn’t involve reducing the entire Middle East to rubble. Sickeningly, it might have to resort to… diplomacy.
Imagine Israel’s position: you’ve spent years bribing US politicians to give you an iron dome and weaponry that was supposed to make you more powerful than God, only for those primitive desert dwellers to cut through your iron dome with ease and repel your missiles like they were nothing.
Israel has realised it can’t take on Iran, just like it can’t take on Hezbollah, but it’s not quite ready to degrade itself with diplomacy. Therefore, it has got back to the only thing it knows how to do: cut food off from civilian populations and murder as many as it can. It has designated all journalists in Gaza as “terrorists” after realising it couldn’t pretend there was a tunnel beneath them, or a command centre, or even a pot of gold. Imagine being the guy whose job it is to come up with excuses for Israel to commit murder. You gotta admit he’s nothing if not creative, but he’s got his work cut out for him.
Even Israel’s allies are struggling to defend all this warmongering because the usual excuse that “Israel has a right to defend itself” is wearing a bit thin after 76 years of colonialism. You would think we’d come up with a better excuse, but honestly, it’s easier to just take the mask off and say what we really think. The US and UK were totally down with exterminating everyone in the Middle East and we’re not backing down against Iran out of morality, but rather lack of capability. The murder machine just isn’t big enough to do that amount of murdering anymore. Personally, I blame gen ZThe last working-class hero in England.
Clio the cat, ? July 1997 - 1 May 2016 Kira the cat, ? ? 2010 - 3 August 2018 Jasper the Ruffian cat ? ? ? - 4 November 2021
Justin Podur on the latest "attack" and what went on
...no amount of cajolery, and no attempts at ethical or social seduction, can eradicate from my heart a deep burning hatred for the Tory Party...So far as I am concerned they are lower than vermin.
on October 27, 2024, 7:23 pm