MaryL, your words could have been mine 17 yrs ago. I'm actually tearing up a bit reading them because I remember so clearly those feelings and it throws me back to that time and heartache. I understand. If I was there I would put my arm around you and tell you that it gets better. That you've got the strength within you to push through. Wear your hope and belief in yourself like a suit of armor. In your mind, visualize yourself as a powerful force, even if you're struggling. The mind is the most powerful tool we have to override our habits and conditioning and change our direction. Believe in your ability to create a happier, healthier life for yourself because it's there, waiting for you. You absolutely have what it takes.