Let me start out by saying that I take my faeces seriously. In the past, I've talked about large bowel movements but I'm always careful to say, "Probably not the biggest of all time." I'm not here to exaggerate.

Today, I took the largest single log dump of my life. It had to be at least two feet.

Other large stools are measured by how far they come above the water line. This one was so huge that it coiled and still came out substantially above the water line. The coiled area had to be at least eight inches itself.

When I was in the process of evacuating my bowels, it seemed like a lot was coming out. It was fairly easy to pass but more difficult than recent dumps, since I started with this granola cereal.

That brings me to the dietary makeup. I haven't had that granola cereal in about a week. What I've been eating for the past few days are sausage sandwiches and hamburgers. The sausages have little bits of apple in them and the hamburgers are infused with scotch bonnet peppers. I only had one of them but they are surprisingly spicy. I say surprisingly because they're 95% beef, which is amazing in itself given the UK's love for hamburger products with low beef content.

So maybe the sausages played a role. I haven't had those sausages in quite some time. Maybe the scotch bonnet hamburger played a role. That was the first time I've had those.

Maybe stress is a factor. I've been stressed about this dentist situation.

Anyway, by some small miracle, it flushed first time. Perhaps the story would have been better if the toilet got clogged but I've never had a clogged toilet in the UK. This thing would have completely destroyed a US toilet.

Let's see. Oh, Bumble match. Yeah, I matched with some unattractive black woman and then I didn't think she was going to message me so I unmatched her with like five hours to go on the 24 hour messaging window. I thought, "Even if she does message me, do I want to talk to her?" And the answer that came back was "no".

I also deleted my Tinder account. I kept getting these fake "likes" from thousands of miles away. So I never ended up messaging that unattractive woman who "super-liked" me and I also didn't message some unattractive Canadian woman who I was matched with. My profile says that I'm Canadian so that would have been problematic, I guess. I don't know anything about Canada and I wouldn't try to fake it anyway.

Oh and I'm still drowning in Tantan matches but they're all in China and at least half them are fake. I'm talking to one woman who seems to be genuine and says that she wants "foreign friends" but...why? I don't get it. People like pen pals, I guess. It was more of a thing before the internet. You could learn about other cultures and whatnot. But today, it's much easier to learn about these things.

I wonder how Chinese toilets handle huge logs. I mean, they're squat toilets. It's just a hole in the ground. I don't even understand how they handle normal loads. They don't flush, I don't think. I think it's just a continuous low-level flow of water.

I only saw one once. That was in Paris. Fortunately, I only had to go number one. But what a crazy experience that was. There was a woman in the toilet (not in the stall but in the toilet room). I don't know what she was there for. At first, I thought it was some sexual thing. Maybe it was. I don't know.

I mean...maybe there are toilet attendandants at your finer eateries for...I don't know...helping you put your suit jacket back on or helping you wash your hands or whatever. But surely it's somebody of the same gender. Why would a woman be in the men's bathroom?

Some good topics to ask this Chinese woman.