I am overwhelmed by your post! I feel empathy, because I suffered for many years with the agony of disabling bone on bone knee arthritis. I feel your anxiety because I too was driven by my food addiction, something hard to describe to someone who hasn't. I feel your frustration to be so close, and yet too far to get your needed surgery. I feel your sense of emotional chaos of feeling controlled by your cravings and compulsions. Yes...it is ridiculous that your insurance company is preventing you from having a surgery that would allow you more mobility so that you can increase activity and lose the weight and lower your A1C! It's all so exhausting and maddening and.....UGH!
If you were a recovering alcoholic with a couple of DUIs and arrests for public drunkenness and your daughter brought home a case of your drink of choice, would it feel any different then how you are feeling about those cookies? My guess is..no. You would be having the same internal battle that you are now. You would know you had NO BUSINESS touching any of it. Your poor choices have already landed you in a pile of consequences and the risk of going to jail is there. Would that be enough to strengthen you to resist and shut it down? Perhaps. But we all know the driving force of addiction can feel like standing in the middle of a hurricane. Of course, the choice to go somewhere safe is an option. Even if that safe place is only in your mind.
It is so important to develop the habit, skill, whatever you want to call it, to calmly say "No" to yourself when faced with food triggers. Whether at home, at work, at the store grocery shopping for your family, or in my case.. my secrete eating place of my past, my car parked next to a dumpster, you have to be able to center your thoughts and calm your anxiety and emotions and simply say "No" and turn away. Even if you have to say it 100 times. Giving in to destructive addictive behaviors is not an option. You are harming yourself and just like the alcoholic, you know it is wrong. No if's, and's, or but's. The only answer to it is "No".
Now, we can't turn back time. I know because Cher said so. So what happened is nothing more then a learning experience. It's part of your story of recovery. You did the right thing and came here and unloaded. Now it's time to get focused on that goal of getting your knee surgery and on to living your pain free life! I had both of my knees replaced 11 years ago and I have never regretted it! I was in pain since I was a teenager and the past 11 years have been night and day! You have that to look forward to. So forget the cookies. Little blobs of poison for us diabetics. Forget the holiday garbage foods that everyone ends up regretting gorging on. YOU are on a mission! WE are here to support you!! Addictions can be left behind and life is glorious without them. No lie...it takes a ton of work and self confrontation, successes and failures, grieving and celebrating, all of the emotions...but YOU CAN DO THIS
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