I've told my Mom about my problem in a vain effort to get help. She seems to think the problem isn't serious. There is a small circle of people around me who believe that social anxiety and panic attacks are a good way to exploit your doctor for free meds (xanax isn't really that much fun people!). Also having a mental disability brings the option of freedom from responsibility that so many overworked and underpaid adults desire. People without mental disorders will never understand mental disorders. So not only is my problem a joke, but I am viewed as someone who is just trying to take advantage of the system. My Mom knows that I don't like it when people hang around outside my bathroom or oustide my window. Nevertheless, she has positioned her computer area outside my bathroom, so that if there was no door on my bathroom she would be looking directly at me when I sit on the toilet. She sits there every morning before I go to work. This is highly inconvenient on days when I desparately need to take a dump. She loves my job. I am a substitute teacher. My job is basically serving as an emotional punching bag for 7-12 graders while their teachers are at home rehabilitating from years of neglecting to teach their students basic civility. The probability of me ever taking a dump in a school surrounded by the same types of people who bullied me when I was in high school rapidly approaches zero as time goes to infinity. In the 12 years I was in public schools I never took a crap, and I only took one pee. In the classes I sub for I typically have at least 4 people per class who need a pass to use the restroom. If I tell them "no" they throw a fit. Maybe I should throw more fits. Anyways, the schools call me every morning to let me know where I will sub during the day. This morning, instead of the schools calling, one of my mom's old loser friends calls trying to no doubt hit my mom up for money (we have caller ID). I didn't answer the phone cause hes a jerk. He actually pretends to have panic attacks and stuff like that. Then my Mom flips out on me because she thinks I'm not answering the phone for work. Like i'm skipping to stay home. I try to convince her that the person calling is her loser friend. She doesn't believe me. Finally the jerk calls again and I give her the phone. Finally she figures out that its actually the jerk. I let her know that shes also a jerk. She still insists that the other caller was the school calling. My punishment is then that she goes outside my room and starts shoveling snow (if she is ouside my window I cant poop). This stuff used to REALLY bother me before I was on Paxil. Now it only gets on my nerves to the extent that I go on-line and complain on web sites like this one. I thank god i didn't get called into work today. Not only do the students get off on emasculating me, but I really had to use the restroom. Of coarse my dream is also my Mom's worst nightmare. I get to stay home, but I have to deal with my mom's guilt trip. I think maybe there was a time when guys like me could get away with jobs like research or art that would allow us to set our own hours and avoid alot of people, thereby allowing us to compete, but it seems other people have realized that they can steal these jobs by exploiting our weakness (networking with people for answers is much faster then doing research on your own). I mean there are some jobs which I'm simply not going to be able to do for long term periods. Asking me to do a job where I have to be away from a private toilet for 12 hours a day is like asking a man with no hands to work as a surgeon. Thanks to our competitive society, as well as a general consensus that mental disabilities are imagined, I am being pushed out of jobs where I feel I may have some comfort. I am forced to take jobs that I am 1)not fit for, and 2)no one wants to do in the first place. I cant even get med insurance. If I wanted to see a quack or something I couldnt afford it. I try to tell myself that things will change and this will pass, but ive had so many periods in my life of complete disappointment that I know there is always something worse right around the corner. Alright. I'm done complaining. blah. I should note that my Mom later apologized, and that if it wasnt for the school hiring me I would be completely unemployed. Sub teaching is the only profession which has accepted me and my limitations. But this of coarse is partially thanks to nepotism as my parents were both involved in teaching. what a mess. i can only assume that someone will figure out who I am and i will be fired for complaining about my job on line. sheesh, sometimes i need to talk to someone. blah. alright, im done.