How To Poop @ Work


We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our
cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who
hate
pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't
know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
left
your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in
a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If
you
are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you
did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the
smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone
proud
of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with
a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for
the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
together
to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can
help
you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify
SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in
the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with a
SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential
Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the
stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming
on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH
with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An
AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should
always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
well as
the other bathroom attendees.

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SOME VARIETIES~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It
doesn't
come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so
hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush,
it's
still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually
happens at
someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before
it
falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so
long
your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you
flush the
toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.