Dream of the Week

I had an idea for a new television show: shot for shot remakes of shows from 40 years ago. I woke up and then later I was sleeping again and trying to remember this dream so that I can do a Dream of the Week post. So I envision an example of this. There's a variety performer on stage doing some magic trick where he makes a bird appear from his top hat and then a coin and he's showing it to the camera and it's really hokey stuff like what was shown in the UK 40 years ago.

In the cold light of day, I'm not sure that this show would be a ratings success. And it would be quite a technological feat to do shot to shot remakes like this. But it has been done.



Still, I guess it would be better than the shit that's on now. Quite honestly, I just turn the tv (i.e. my phone) off now. It used to be on from the moment I woke up to the moment I drifted off to Dreamland. It's all shit.

I used to watch Columbo on the weekends on ITV2. It's not any more. Sometimes it's on ITV3 but not regularly.

I used to watch Film4 most weekday mornings and afternoons. They showed old B movie Westerns at this time for the most part. But now they're showing films made in the past 20 years. I don't want to watch this shit.

Then Family Guy is gone from BBC3. It's on ITV2 now but sporadically. Sometimes it's on at 9 pm, sometimes it's on at 11.30. "Well, I'll tune in at 9.00 and just watch whatever ITV2 has on". That's what they want you to do. But I can't do it. The shit that they're showing is unwatchable. Two and a Half Men. Have you seen this before? I haven't until a couple days ago. It's horrendous. Horrible, horrible, lowest common denominator, by the numbers, American retard situation comedy.

Then they'll show Plebs. Have you seen this? It's just as lowbrow and unfunny as Two and a Half Men if not moreso. "Oh, but the sophisticated British humour..." no. It's beyond awful.

Then they'll show Celebrity Juice. Have you seen this shit? It's a bearded man screaming like a little girl at "celebrities" who I've never seen in my life. "Oh, we love those classy British celebrity panel shows here in America" well fuck you. They're highly scripted and painfully unfunny. And Celebrity Juice won awards for being the worst "celebrity" panel show of them all. The worst of a rotten barrel.

Let's see what's on today. 10.00 am...total nothingness. Sunday Brunch? Murder She Wrote? There's sometimes a good classic film on BBC2 but now there's 14 hours of snooker. I'm not watching this shit.

But 11.00 there might be something. Yeah, actually Film4 is showing Escape from the Planet of the Apes. Not the remake (if there was a remake called that) but the 1971 original. I've seen it 100 times but maybe. Or at 11.30 there's a Columbo on ITV3.

That would take us to 1.00 pm. Brewster's Millions on Film4 or Princess Bride on Channel 5. I've seen them both and didn't like either but I could stand to have Brewster's Millions on as background noise.

I know that Prince Bride is held in high regard by my generation. You have Kevin Arnold, Andre the Giant, what's not to like? But it's just bad. I hate that homo with the moustache. And all the gay swordplay and...you know...I'm not into that stuff.

That takes us to 3.00. City of Ember. Never heard of it but it's from 2008 so can't be good. Let's see...fantasy adventure starring an ancient Bill Murray. No thanks.

Or Bend it like Beckham on Channel 5. No chance of that.

So again, there's nothing on. Yes, I know that there are other channels but they NEVER have anything on. That's why I more or less limit myself to Film4 and Channel 4, sometimes Channel 5 if they have something but they rarely do. So at 3.00 you have Location, Location, Location on Channel 4 with that insufferable fat fascist b###h and that gay bald man. I'm not watching that. Britain's Got Talent, fuck off. The 7th hour of snooker. Escape to the Country. The 2002 CGI Scooby Doo film. Stop me when there's something decent.

Five USA is showing some Columbos but...I'm not watching Five USA. I don't know. It's just one of those really out there channels. You know you're desperate when you're looking at what Five USA has on.

So 3.00 is tv off again. 4.00 is literally the same shit that was on at 3.00. So another dark hour for me.

5.00 has Marley and Me on Film4. No chance of that. The Disney Hercules on Channel 5. Not remotely interested in that. 30 minutes of Channel 4 News. Why is it only 30 minutes on the weekends? Does less stuff happen on Saturdays and Sundays? I don't think so. I guess Parliament and whatever isn't sitting so there's less political news in that limited sense but everything else is moving.

There's a show about birds on BBC1. And of course snooker. Not interested in either of those.

So that's the third hour of no tv. 6.00 has Paul O'Grady working with impoverished kids. I'm surprised that guy isn't keeping a low profile after all that Jimmy Saville stuff. Ever watch his talk show? It was him (a camp gay man) frolicking with kids. Where's that pretentious South Asian guy who did the Michael Jackson documentary when you need him?

Snooker mercifully comes to an end on BBC2 but then it's just a one hour nature documentary. Yeah, the rest is total garbage that I don't even have to mention. Another hour of no tv.

7.00. Here's where things should swing into overdrive. I don't like watching films in the evening. This is for prime-time viewing. The stars come out to shine. Let's see.

Countryfile. No.

Jumbo: The Plane that Changed the World. A one hour documentary about the Boeing 747. Well, maybe. It's good background noise anyway.

The Chase. Don't know what it is but it's on ITV so undoubtedly shit so no. Oh. Celebrity game show. I was right.

The Fearless Chef. Never heard of it but again, no.

Now That's Funny. Once again, never heard of it, but it's Channel 5 so possibly one of those America's Funniest Home Video rip off shows. Such shows were innovative in 1993. But not today. We all have Youtube now. So no.

Trad Jazz on BBC4. I like having pretentious shit on as background noise but I draw the line here. "Trad" Jazz? Not a chance.

And surprisingly, Film4 is showing a film from 1985 at this time. They usually show stuff from at least 2000 in the evenings. Never heard of this Legend movie. But I'm not interested.

So where does this leave us for 7.00? Am I really going to turn the tv back on just for a show about a large airplane? Probably not.

8.00. Man. I won't go through it all. But it's all complete and total unwatchable crap.

9.00. See 8.00.

10.00. I mean, who even cares at this point? I'm not going to turn the tv on 10.00. They could have big titted porn and I'm not going to turn it on.

Oh, but there is like four hours of Family Guy, American Dad, and the Cleveland Show. Actually, I think I might turn the tv on at this point. I guess Family Guy et al have more allure than big titted porn.

I mean, if it was just an hour of Family Guy and then some bullshit show like Plebs or whatever and then an hour of American Dad, I'd be like "no way". But since it's a solid block of these cartoons with no unwanted shit in the middle, I might check it out. I probably will, actually.

So now I have to go back and see if there was something semi-decent on ITV2 before these cartoons start. And actually...maybe. There's a 2013 Will Smith film about aliens or some shit. I don't like watching films in the evening, as I've said, but as background noise as a lead up to some Family Guy, I'll do it. So that's at 8.00. But before that, it's Britain's Got Talent and I can't watch that.

Still, from morning to 11.00 and then 3.00 to 8.00, the tv will be off. Absolutely nothing even remotely viewable during those hours. The only thing saving this morning/afternoon is Escape from the Planet of the Apes which I very well may miss. I'm not going to make a special effort to put the tv on just to watch that shit.

I mean, is there stuff on Sky that I could be watching? Is it worth buying a tv and Sky subscription? I mainly watch tv just as background noise. It's like how you put the radio on when the house is empty so your dog doesn't feel lonely.

Ooh, actually...Gold looks pretty good. There's an Abbott and Costello film. Then 1962's Crooks Anonymous.

Everything else looks like shit, though. A lot of sports channels. That must be what people are getting Sky for. I'm not really interested in, for example, Australian football, though.

And this Gold channel isn't even all I hoped it would be. After that second old film, they show 'Allo 'Allo for about three hours. Then Only Fools and Horses for four hours. So it's like Dave whatever. They'll show Black Adder for a few hours then Red Dwarf for a few hours. Even if you like these shows, are you going to watch them in three hour chunks?

And actually, wasn't there a channel called UK TV Gold? It was on Freeview. I remember them doing the same thing. Maybe the same channel as this Gold. Or did they become Dave? I don't know.

But the point is, I'm not watching tv until about 8.00 tonight. That's how bad the state of free television in the UK has gotten.