Dude, I've been killing it so hard that I decided to call my mother.

Started off great. I was telling her how much killing I've been doing. Going on holiday with my ladyfriend, got a 100% raise, moving to a new flat, whatever.

Then she tells me about her cataracts.

Then she tells me that she's going blind.

Then she tells me about a company who tried to scam her into buying an overpriced bath liner.

Then she tells me about the cheap $250 computer that she bought.

Then she tells me about how she also bought one for my niece but it immediately broke and was so crap that my niece said, "Get your money back but don't get me another one. I don't want one."

Then she told me that her porch railings are rusting apart.

The she told me about the time my niece was called a nigger in McDonalds.

Then she told me about neo-Nazis in Finland and hopefully I don't enounter any with my black girlfriend.

Then tells me how cold it is. This went on for some time. I literally looked up the temperature in her town. It was 20 degrees.

So she tells me that Finland will be cold. I look up the temperature in Finland. It's warmer than in Glasgow. And Glasgow is quite warm at the moment. Has been for weeks now.

She keeps insisting that it's cold in both her ghetto and Finland in spite of the fact that I've given her the current temperature and proven that it's not cold.

Then she gets a phone call. She says, "Do you know who that was?" I had a strong feeling but I didn't want to get sucked into more negativity so I just ignored it and tried to change the subject.

She continued. "Do you know who that was?" I said "no". She said, "You can't guess?" I said "no". She said, "It's that collection agency".

I went off. I went off about how I'm sick of her negativity and that's why I stopped calling. On and on I go about how I was feeling great before I called and I felt great for these past few years when I wasn't calling and within minutes, it's just overwhelming negativity.

"Oh, here's the collectors calling. What a scumbag you are for making your mother put up with these phone calls for the past 15 years. What a deadbeat. Pay your bills."

"Is that what you thought I meant? I didn't mean that. I meant that was angry at the debt collector."

"OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT YOU MEANT! I solved the problem. I moved. Why have you been putting up with these calls for 15 years? Why haven't you put a stop to it? There are millions of pages on the internet that tell you how to stop these calls. Even if you're too stupid to figure it out, why haven't your daughters helped you? Why hasn't your niece helped you?"

It's just maddening. You miserable fuck. She just wallows in pity.

"Oh, no. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do this."

"There you go again. More negativity. You know what, I'm going to take charge of my life and end this phone call now. You should take charge of your life too. Fix the myriad of problems that you have."

Telling me about Finnish Nazis hassling my girlfriend. Can you believe this shit? And she says, "I'm the most positive person I know." If that's true, it's a terrifying situation.