I went on Wednesday for this identity interview and here it is Friday and I have the passport. That's pretty good. And the interview wasn't anything offensive. Just asked like parents' date of birth and marriage and name of my referee and mostly just stuff that I put on my application.

So here are the passports:



Straight away, one is disappointed with the British passport. There's a tastefully-sized emblem on both the US and Finnish passports. Then there's this giant emblem on the British passport that takes up almost the entire cover.

And speaking of emblems, I don't even know what this shit means and I don't recall ever seeing it before.

The Finnish emblem is some sort of lion-dragon thing. It's been around for at least 200 years, I'd say, and was designed when Finland was under Swedish control. So the straight sword that this beast is holding represents Sweden and it's standing on the curved sword which represents Russia. Russians used those curved swords and Sweden, like most of Europe opted for the straight swords. Perhaps the number of flowers in the background has some significance. It's amazing that I even know this much about it, though. My mother had a quilted thing in a frame of this emblem.

The US emblem is more familiar. There's the eagle which is has been co-opted by fascism but I'd imagine that this symbol pre-dates the 1930s. The bald eagle is the national bird of the US and possibly the national animal generally.

It's holding an olive branch which symbolises the desire for peace but in the other talon it's holding arrows which symbolises it's willingness to wage war against those who disapprove of peace. The thirteen stars in that flower thing of course represent the thirteen original colonies. And "e pluribus unum" means, "Out of many, one".

Then we get to this imperial bullcrap that looks like an 18th century passport (of course, there were no passports in the 18th century) with a crowned lion and some chained unicorn and yet another big crown in the centre. What is this nonsense supposed to symbolise other than adoration of the feudal system?

Then some Latin, I guess. I'll Google that shit. Oh, that fits the theme. It's confirmation of the divine right of kings. Can't make out the middle words. Oh, but the centre has little logos for Ireland, Scotland, Wales, and England. All of these little countries are ruled by the divine monarch. Oh, I found the words now. It's shaming anybody who thinks that the royal family is anything other than all-knowing and appointed by God himself to rule the inbreds of "Great" Britain.

This must be the most objectionable emblem in the history emblems. But let's move on.

Inside cover is some pretentious bullshit about how the most gracious Queen of England instructs border guards all over the world to let me into their country without hinderence and provide me with unlimited, free aid. What a sick thing this is. She's not queen of the world. And I don't need her permission to travel. I'm a free man. This passport is designed with serfs in mind.

The Finnish passport just has the Finnish emblem and a little picture of a lake on the inside cover. By the way, my Finnish passport is over 10 years old so not up to date. But I looked at some pictures online and there have been just minor changes from what I can tell.

The US passport has...some weird writing. It looks handwritten and hard to read. Oh, I see. It's words from the Star Spangled Banner. The last words of the first...stanza...not sure of the word here. But people only sing the first stanza so it's effectively the last words of the song.

O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave

And there's a drawing of some guys in a ship next to a cannon and there's an American flag in the distance. Inspired from the song, I assume. It was written near Baltimore by Francis Scott Key during the War of 1812 when the King of England was trying to burn down some fort but failed.

So yeah, much better inside cover in the US passport. It's inspiring and about fucking freedom and kicking tyrants out of your country. The UK passport is about pushy tyrants telling everyone what to do.

The first page of the UK passport...basically just has the word "passport" in about 100 languages and "United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland" in the British languages.

Finnish passport has "passport" and "Finland" in about 20 languages.

US passport starts with a quote by Abraham Lincoln about how the US government is by the people, for the people, et cetera. But then actually, they do request that all border guards allow me entrance and give me unlimited, free aid. These instructions are also in French and Spanish.

This doesn't appear anywhere in the Finnish passport. They treat the border guards with respect. I mean, we all know the rules. You don't have to brow beat people, "Oh, let this guy in or there will be trouble." You catch more flies with honey.

Then the meat of it. The picture page. Well, first of all both the US and UK passports have this really flimsy, laminated page for this. They seem to be identical, low-quality pages.

But the Finnish passport has a big, sturdy piece of plastic that could probably do some damage if you were so inclined. So big points for Finland on this one too. This is like heirloom-quality passport. It's made to last.

As to the content. The US and UK passports give your nationality but not the Finnish one. Again, this Finland giving people credit for not being total idiots. Anyone with a Finnish passport is a Finnish citizen.

The UK and Finnish passports each have my city and state of birth (but not country, oddly) but the US passport just has my state of birth (which is also odd). Should be city, state, and country.

Seems to be the same stuff otherwise.

Security wise...even though the Finnish passport is ten years older, it still looks the most secure. Has a hologram for some weird code number that I don't know what it is. You move it and it will say "FIN" and then a number when you move it again. And the background is all weird shit that you probably couldn't just photocopy.

US passport has a wacky background too with the emblem and so forth. But an additional security feature is if you move it to a certain light you'll see stars and shit. I'm not impressed with this, though.

UK passport again has a weird background and the other security feature is just a lot of foil. Like foil birds and some gay design. I wouldn't even call this a hologram, it's just foil. No, I don't think this would stop a determine forger.

One weird thing is that both the Finnish and UK passports have the signature embeded into this picture page. That makes sense and good for security. But the US passport is so old fashioned that you have to sign your name on the opposite page after you receive the passport. So anyone can do this.

Moving on to the opposite page then. Finnish passport is just the first blank page for visas and whatnot and it continues like this for the rest of the passport.

US passport, as stated, is the signatory page and there's a big drawing of a bald eagle and some grain and the American flag and the preamble to the Constitution.

UK passport is some weird "official observations" page. It has a grainy version of my photo on it too. From what I read, this is for some weird situations like being from the Isle of Man or Hong Kong and shit like this.

Next two pages of the British passport is just translating the fields of the picture page into various languages.

In the US, it's the emergency contact information on one page and some legal stuff on the next page. You can't alter your passport, use somebody else's passport, whatever.

Then the UK passport starts with the blank visa pages.

But the US passport isn't done. They have "important information". Websites for travel information, vaccinations, health insurance won't cover you overseas, make sure you get the appropriate visas before you travel, fill in the emergency contact information, obey the laws in the country you're in, don't smuggle drugs, don't make yourself stand out with flashy jewelry and so on, beware of security threats, call your family if there's a catastrophic event, register with the embassy when you first arrive to a new country, child abduction website, how you can lose your citizenship, and dual citizenship legal stuff.

Then it moves on to the blank pages.

But they aren't blank, of course. The US passport has a bunch of patriotic imagery on each page. Every page is a different image.

The UK passport has different pictures on each page too but nothing really to do with the UK. They're entitled" reed bed, geological formation, coastal cliff, fishing village, beach, et cetera. I mean, the pictures are quite abstract for one thing. Were it not for the descriptions, I wouldn't even know what many of these were supposed to be. And also, this could be anywhere. "Mountain", "river", "lake", it's absurd.

The Finnish pages just have a weird design on each page which is the same on each page.

So the US passport clearly wins on the visa page front. But what really puts them over the top is the inspiring quotes on each page which I listed before. The quotes aren't so great but they at least tried.

Oh, and on the last page of the UK passport there's the emergency contact information and a few notes about consular assistance and how the passport is property of the Queen.

The US passport has a few threats about bringing fruit into the country and how you need to file taxes on money earned abroad.

The Finnish passport has the fields on the picture page translated into some languages.

In conclusion, I have to give the victory to the Finnish passport. I like the sturdy picture page and the holographic security thing. I like how it doesn't insult the border guards with demands. I like how it treats both the holder and anyone looking at your passport as intelligent adults. There's no talking down to anybody, there's no boasting, there's no threats. It's about treating people how you want to be treated. A good reflection on the Finnish people.

Number two is the American passport. It's boastful, there's no question about that. But it's mostly boasting about individual liberty and the inalienable rights of man. If you must boast, these are good things to boast about. Points deducted for threatening both the border guards and the holder of the passport.

The UK passport is a distant third. It might be the worst passport in the world. It's ridiculously antiquated, it beats you over the head with the fact that you're ruled by some unaccountable inbreds and you better not forget this, and the feudal emblem has a disgusting message and is enormous.

That said, now that I have my passport I can leave this shitty country! So that's exciting.