I was living with that lisa woman who used to post the odd (in both senses) message here. And ours was a relationship where I was always naked and she was clothed. So a power imbalance in a way but whenever I masturbated she had to take it in her mouth and do a full cleanup. She didn't really like this arrangement but I told her that if she doesn't do it, next time I'm going to take a shit on her. Fortunately, I woke up before that happened.

The dream closely mirrors our own relationship. I don't think I ever told this story.

I met her from the Manics chat room. She would occasionally send me weird private messages. So just got to talking about what she was doing and whatever. She was 24 and studying to be a nurse. I was 21 and in university.

Eventually, we started talking on ICQ which was an instant messaging platform. Then we moved to the Microsoft instant messaging programme.

This went on for some years. Just talked about normal stuff. She mostly wanted to talk about recent forum posts, actually. She was usually upset about a pretty mundane post I wrote and would make her feelings known.

She would sometimes ask what I was doing and the answer was always "nothing" because I'm at the computer. Not much can be done. But one day I happened to be masturbating so I told her. She was really shocked by this and asked if she should leave. I said no, she could stay. So as I masturbated, we talked about the usual stuff. Then she asked if I was still doing it and I said "No, I finished a while ago."

Next day, we're talking and she asks if I was joking about yesterday. I said that I wasn't. So she says that she wants to know when I'm masturbating. I agree to keep her informed.

So from here on, whenever I masturbated whenever I masturbated while talking to her, I let her know. She also wanted to know when I finished. We didn't really talk about sexual stuff during this. She probably asked how big it was and I sent her a scan of my penis and festivals (which probably gave me cancer) and she'd sometimes ask for the link of what I was looking at but it was never 'oh, I want to do stuff to you'.

Actually, it was largely dumb arguments about forum messages. Or she'd get upset at the size of the woman's breasts that I'm mastubating over. By the way, this was back when you looked at pictures on the internet. But I'd still power through a dutifully tell her when I blew my load.

This probably went on for a couple of years if not more. Then my mother asked me to get a webcam so that she could send video messages to her brother.

That never worked out because my mother is an idiot and kept complaint that the voice is out of sync with the video. But the webcam did have other applications.

So I told lisa that I got this webcam. She got all excited and told me to turn it on. Within minutes she said "Take something off". I asked what and she said my shirt. I had a T-shirt on under my shirt so no problem, I took the shirt off. I knew where this was going though and then she said "Now the jeans".

I wasn't comfortable being completely naked and she just wanted to see the dick anyway so I got my cock and balls out. I thought she'd comment 'nice dick' or something but no. Just straight away she said "Well, play with it".

I was kind of surprised by this. I mean, yeah she wanted to know when I was masturbating for two or three years by this point and I'd get excited talking to her about it and she'd get excited and she was sometimes clearly masturbating too. But something about doing it on a webcam for a full show seemed weird.

So I said "Oh, should I?" not really on board with this idea. But she said "yes".

So I start jerking off and she's asking if it feels good and whatnot. And we were just typing so I'd have to stop to reply. Then she says "I can't believe you're doing this". And I start thinking "Oh no. Is this a joke? Is she offended? What us this?" So I say "Should I stop". Normally, it took her a few moments to reply but I got a message straight away of "no". And then "I can watch this all day". This would be a foreshadow of our relationship for the next couple of years.

All great things must come to an end though so I blew my load into a tissue as normal. She was horrified. What was that? No, I have to see the ejaculation and then you clean up. Okay, fine. Next time.

So this became a regular feature of our chats and I'd work on improving the show. Go two handed, lie down on my bed, ball handling, extreme close up, whatever. And she'd talk about how she wants to suck it and that it might be too large for her vagina and whatnot. And I'd talk about what I'd like to do with her but it required a great deal more imagination because she never got a webcam and only ever sent one picture.

The time came for me to move to England. She lived with her father but suggested I could stay with her. She lived in the north of England. So that would be helpful and I could finally have sex with this woman so I took up her gracious offer.

Then reality hit her that I'm actually moving to England. So she rescinded her offer stating, rightly, that her dad wouldn't want a stranger in his house. So I stopped talking to her.

I move to Dublin. That didn't go as planned so I moved to London. At some point I must have given her my phone number.

So she calls me. "London is just a three hour drive away. I can come see you". I decline. I'm living in hostels, I have no money, I have no job, what can we possibly do?

So I stop talking to her as I begin the long struggle of finding a job, place to live, and so on.

Maybe five years later, I'm working, I have my own place, and I'm checking my phone. Oh, it's the number of that woman I used to jerk off for. Maybe she'd be up for coming to visit me now."

I text or call and she's confused. "Why are you contacting me after all this time?" I suggest we meet up. She sort of agrees in theory.

Call her a few times over a couple months. "So come to London. We can have sex". Always a wishy washy reply. So I end the conversation. Then she sends a text, " I was going to have phone sex". "No. Lisa. Don't you get it? I don't care about this. Let's have actual, real sex."

So I stopped talking to her again. Maybe a couple years ago I'd send her the odd text but it was just more of the same.

She lives in some weird fantasy land where she can type and talk about her sexual desires from the comfort of her father's home but when it comes to actually shitting or getting off the pot, she chooses the latter. I mean, I know the whole experience would be deeply disappointing but it still would have been cool to have done it with that weird *dialogue* loving woman from the Manics chat room circa 1999.