Got an email from the last letting agent that I had in London. They say that I'm such a good tenant that they're going to let me sign a new tenancy agreement with no increase in rent. All I have to do is pay £84 for the contract renewal. If I don't do this, I have two months to vacate the property.

So I replied with, "You really need to get your shit together, madam".

Naturally, her email was also full of spelling errors.

So today they called me twice. I didn't answer. They left a message. I haven't checked it yet. Let me first see if there's an app for recording telephone calls...

There is but this isn't worth recording. She's just asking me to call her back regarding the letter she sent. It seems that they still think I live in the property.

Time to ramp up the insults.

I've received at least one nuisance phone call from you (Sara) today. I assume that chose to call instead of simply responding to the email because your literacy skills are very poor (as the previous email demonstrated).

I thought that my initial response may have given you a clue but I guess I have to spell it out. I don't live in the property and haven't for some considerable time. You incompetent buffoons need to update your records.

Even when I did live in the property, there is no way that I would pay £84 for a contract renewal. After the initial tenancy is over, the tenancy just becomes month-to-month. So why on earth would I, or anyone, pay you parasites £84 for another lease? You're preying on the poor and the ignorant.

Can I suggest that you learn a skill so that you don't have to do this disgusting, immoral job for the rest of your life? I appreciate that lettings agencies don't attract the best and the brightest but you can learn a trade. Do something productive with your life.

That ought to show them. These are the worst people in the world in the most disgusting industry.

Wait...I just thought of the student loan industry. Okay, second worst.