I think I learnt abusive behaviours in my own family environment.

My Dad is an incestuous child molesterer (still in prison, although will be getting out soon).

My Mam was quite an angry and aggressive individual who was verbally and physically abusive (not just e.g. a smacked arse, but beatings with blunt instruments as well), but who has clearly had her own issues with abusive treatment.

It was out absolutely the norm in our house to be tearing chunks out of each one minute (sometimes literally), and getting on fine like nothing had happened the next. Is that healthy?

I do try to be a nice person. To treat other people with dignity, respect and empathy, no matter their social status. To be honest, caring and responsible.

But I am definitely prone to verbally abusive outbursts, especially online, and usually when drunk.

It makes me wonder whether i'm a generally okay person with 'issues' that get the better of me sometimes. Or whether i'm a damaged and dangerous individual who can mimic being a 'nice guy' until put in certain situations, at which point the mask slips, and the abusive tendencies come out.

I honestly don't know.

But I do think part of the reason why, at 36, I haven't had any kind of romantic relationship for 16 years is because i'm scared that I would be abusive towards the other person. I definitely wouldn't trust myself not to be, in one way or another.

That said, I don't think it's just me, and abusive behaviour seems pretty wide spread, even in some progressive spaces.

Family isn't all bad though.

Today i'll be going to the pub (Me! At the pub! Can you imagine that?) with my cousin to watch the Merseyside and Manchester derbies, for example. So that's nice.