When I was in the fourth grade, we had to write a story for school. I wrote a story about "the Big One". This was a reference to a nickname given to my friend's sister. My sister was also friends with his sister. They were the same age. This girl was heavyset, hence the nickname.

So I got the paper back and got a decent grade on it. And I was proud of it so I showed my mother. She then proceeded to beat me for a good ten minutes. "DON'T EVER WRITE ABOUT THE BIG ONE!"

"So why don't you talk to grandma any more?" There you go.

Why was she so upset? Maybe it could be misconstrued to be some kind of sexual reference. But the teacher didn't have any problem with it. Even if the teacher did call a meeting and say, "Hey, is Baron getting molested? Look at this weird paper he wrote" all that would have to be said is, "No, that's the cruel nickname that the neighbourhood kids have for an overweight girl who lives nearby." Problem solved.

Was she angry because I was using this cruel nickname? I don't think so. My sisters used it all the time openly and it wasn't a problem.

My story wasn't even about that girl. I don't remember what it was about but it was just a name that I used.

You beat a child over this? It's weird. This is not a big deal. Relax.

She was always stressed out. Why? Calm down. She had a heart attack at the age of about 45, by the way. I don't think it's unrelated.

She would go and have her taxes done. The tax advisor was a jerk and would berate her for doing things wrong. But still, that's no reason to panic. She would always be really stressed during these tax meetings and apologise for everything and say how she's going to be sick and whatever.

IT'S TAXES, YOU MORON! RELAX!

I went there one time for a tax meeting with her and the guy didn't berate her. It was because I was there. I was like 20.

But if the guy's a jerk, take your business elsewhere. Or tell him to do his job properly. Or you do things properly so he's not complaining. Don't have a fucking heart attack over it.

I do my taxes every year. You want to know how stressful it is on a scale of 1 to 10? It's a clear one. You add up how much money you made, add up your expenses, put the two figures in, and it gives you a figure to pay. Done.

Now, US taxes are more complicated. At least back then they were. Maybe today, it's just as easy as it is in the UK what with the internet and all.

Still, it's nothing to freak out over. Give the guy your documents, if he wants more information, give him the additional information. If you can't find it, tell him you can't find it. Who cares?

You'd give her a toy to fix and nine times out of ten, she'd break it out of frustration.

It's just unbelievable. She's an idiot who doesn't know how to behave. This is the cause of all of her problems. The world must be a very scary and confusing place to low-intellect individuals. So this is what happens.