Hey wait. It takes 4 hours and 11 minutes to take a train from Darlington to Glasgow. That's about what it took from London.

Mmm...I don't think these times are right, actually. I'm using Google Maps. It says it takes 5.5 hours from London but I don't think that's accurate. Let me just go to Virgin Trains.

3 hours and 15 minutes is the fastest from Darlington. 4.5 hours for London. So it's really not a huge difference.

Let's check Leeds. Maybe that crazy Elisa can do it. Maybe give me a blowjob at some point too. No, it's even longer. Four hours.

Where is my Elisa blowjob anyway? The woman spent years promising me a blowjob but never delivered.

There was the time when I was sucking on my own dick. Well, I'm not going to lie. "Sucking" is a gross exaggeration. But I managed to get a few painful licks in. I told Elisa that I was sucking it, though. This was before I got the webcam. And she said, "I'm jealous". I thought, "What? She's jealous that she can't suck her own...oh! No. She's jealous because she wants to be the one sucking it."

Tangentially, I once asked if she could suck her own tits. She was a B cup so it would be surprising. She said that she can't. So I said, "How do you know?". She said, "Because I'm trying it right now." I was jerking off on cam at the time so she was horny.

I don't think it's just the modestly endowed who can't do it, though. Even women with huge tits can't always do it. Suppose it depends on firmness and whatnot.

So yeah, Elisa and her blowjob promises. Oh, actually another part to this "I'm jealous of you sucking your dick" ancedote. I wanted to shoot my load in my mouth, right? Because why not? Elisa was really on board with this idea. "Just get a taste at least." But I was even more into it so I said, "No, I want to shoot it all in". That really put her over the top. "Ooh, yeah. Shoot it in. Come on. Shoot it. Shoot it in your mouth."

I chickened out, though. And then she was disappointed and left.

So that's her getting all excited just from talking about masturbation. Getting on cam was total sensory overload for her. Just generally she'd always talk about wanting to suck my cock while I masturbated. Well, maybe she was just trying to get me going with some sexy talk.

But no, once she was quite philosophical about it. "I don't know why I want to suck your cock. I think, 'Why would I want a penis in my mouth?' but because it's you, I do". So it wasn't just idle dick sucking promises. She sat down and thought it through.

I'm pretty sure that I've gained weight. I don't know how much. I could fire up the old webcam again and Elisa can let me know.

And the webcams are so much better now. Not just the webcame but the internet connections. No more one frame a second stuff.

Like there was the time that Elisa asked me to put a condom on. Well, alright. Then she said, "Slowly". So I position the camera on my stuff and every time the webcam advanced a frame, I put the condom on a little more.

By the way, masturbating with condoms...not particularly enjoyable. I've done it a few times in my private life but there's a reason that it hasn't taken off. The same reason that condoms make sex less enjoyable apply equally to masturabation.

But that's just blowjobs. What about all the promised intercourse? "Ooh, I think you might be too big for me" was a regular one from her. But was it just an empty ego boost?

There was some thought into this one as well. I once proposed that she could grab the base and only take as much as she likes. After considering this idea she said, "No, I want all of it."

Bareback too. That was something that I suggested. She was totally down with it.

Then there was all the "I want you to cum on my tummy/breasts/face" stuff. Elisa, I'll give you a pass on those. Those were always said in the heat of the moment to try to get me to cum while you yourself have the vibrator cranked up to 11 as you watched your favourite internet celebrity stroking his penis.

So I won't expect facials or blasting a load on your tits or even the unusual tummy cumming suggestion. But I still expect you to come through on your blowjob and sex (with and without condom) promises. I know you're not the tight bodied 24 year old anymore. You're 40+. But I can wait. I don't care if you're 90 and receiving full time care to wipe your own buttocks at some point this is happening.