So I was watching Naked News. This was a pretty big story back in the day. I was amazed that this shit is still going on. It started at least ten years ago.
It's billed as a news show where the anchors strip but don't expect much news. Honestly, I was hoping for news. I thought it would be a useful way to keep up with current events and shoot a load at the same time.
This shit fails on both counts. The episodes on that site are all from 2017 so I went looking for older stuff. I'm downloading a big torrent collection but these just seem to be from 2016 so earlier but not the really early stuff that I was hoping for.
First of all, many of the women are not attractive. Many of them are getting on in years, a lot of them have tattoos, some of them are covered in tattoos. Most baffling of all, none of them have big tits. Even the ones with (bad) boob jobs don't have big tits.
I mean, what's going on here? They're zooming in on these women's bodies and oh, god, I don't want to see this.
There's this one woman Madison Banes who seems to be like the head news person. She's the worst looking of the bunch. She's the oldest, not a nice face, not a nice body, and seems to have a terrible personality and low intelligence to boot. It's ridiculously obvious that she's exchanging sex for this position.
So I went back in the archives. Women come and go but Madison Banes is in every episode.
But the ones on that site only cover 2017. So I'm downloading a torrent. I was hoping for really early episodes. I figured that back when the show was all the rage, the women might have been better looking. Unfortunately, this torrent seems to only have 2016 episodes. Madison Banes seems to be in all of these too.
It's not just her, though. As I said, most of the women are not attractive and they're all modestly endowed.
But let's look at the news. I'll check out a random episode from 2016. I've never even looked at this before so it's new to me. This is from 29 April.
Starts off with introducing the models in this episode. Yeah, Natasha Olenski has big tits but they're fake and not particularly well done.
I have bigger tits than Angie Heyward. What makes a woman with no breasts think that she should be a nude model? And who's hiring these women? There's nothing wrong with having small breasts but don't be a nude model. There are other careers out there.
It's like if somebody isn't particularly intelligent. That's fine. There's no shame in that. But don't be a neurosurgeon. You have to play to your strengths.
Oh here we go. Speaking of no tits, here's Carli Bei. This is filmed in Toronto, by the way. That explains the weird accents and just an odd feeling throughout. With Canada, things seem familiar (as an American) but there's something not quite right. Something is a bit different. It's an uneasy feeling.
So yeah, because it's filmed in Canada, there's an unusual number of Asians. A lot of Asians up there, I guess. And I've seen a few of the Asian models from Naked News. Not one of them has breasts. And Carli Bei not only lacks tits but she has a lot of scumbag tattoos.
Here's Madison Banes, of course. Blowing me a kiss. No thanks.
Oh baby. Starts off with a couple of naked ladies. One is Isabella Rosini. She's an attractive woman with a nice body but not model material. This is somebody I'd be happy to go on a date with but this isn't fantasy stuff by any means. I'd say she's a 6 face and a 7 body. Maybe C cup tits. Just saw the tattoo on her back. A 6 for the body then.
But she's dwarfed by the woman next to her. This is what I'm talking about. This is Hanna, a "guest anchor". I've seen some of Hanna's other stuff. She's from Ukraine, has limited English, but a pretty face and huge tits.
Her English is terrible.
This segment was just a tease. "We'll show more of Hanna later". Well, great.
Now it's a story about tattoos. Oh the irony. Carli Bei starts with "getting inked is more popular than ever at the moment." Yes, it would seem so.
It's just bizarre. These are nude models. Nude models are getting tattoos. Did they get them before or after they decided they wanted to be nude models? It's just unpleasant. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I've never seen a tattoo and thought, "Wow, that's really hot." They're fine for sailors and bikers but...are people getting off on tattoos? Is this a fetish somewhere?
Half of "millenials" have at least one tattoo according to this story. Still, that leaves 50% of the population to recruit as nude models.
Yeah. What a shit story. It just gives you those stats and then it says that 60% of employers say that they're less likely to hire somebody with tattoos. That's not a news story.
Next story: "do you shower every day? Don't". That's actually a good public service announcement but it probably appeals to me in particular. I haven't bathed all Christmas break. Even when I'm working, I only bathe once a week. It's true, it strips vital oils from your body. I need those oils.
She exposed her tits during this. I barely even noticed. I think that she's Vietnamese. A lot of Vietnamese people in Canada for some reason. It's because of the war, of course, but why Canada? But yeah, she's dark and it's Canada so probably Vietnamese.
Then a story about a photographer who stages mass nude photo shoots. Nothing erotic about this.
She took all of her clothes off during this. Not exciting.
Then she goes back to the two naked anchors from the start of the show. REALLY BAD scripted "banter". These dumbasses couldn't be relied on to have actual off the cuff conversations so it's all scripted. This Ukrainian woman looks like she's on another planet. I don't think she understands anything that's being said.
Then some more scripted banted between these two dimwit main anchors about their experiences with public nudity.
Now it's thrown to "guest anchor" Vera. Huge tits but a massive sleeve tattoo. She doesn't appear to be Samoan.
I think that these "guest anchors" are brought in for a trial run, probably unpaid. They had to blow the scumbag who produces these in order to get on the show. So they're paid in semen.
Her "news" story is about whether or not women should shave their crotch. By the way, all of these women are completely shaved.
Gross. The tattoo extends down to her hand. And her other arm has tattoos too, though not as much (yet).
Now it's time for the "most popular segment", the Naked News Auditions.
It must be difficult for these women to talk about this. They know that there's always a steady stream of desperate ####s willing to take their job. And unless they're Madison Banes, they're probably going to be fired within three months at the most. Then it's back to hooking.
This is Addilyn. Decent body. B cup tits. Tattoos on each forearm. Next. Don't sell the bike shop, bitch.
Then some sleazy questions from the porn director. The answers aren't scripted so it's awkward.
Next segment is "ask a porn star". An "adult film star" called "Samantha Roan" (or something) who is very pale, has glasses, and no breasts is answering a question from a "fan". How low does your self-esteem have to be to be a fan of this woman? I mean, you can jerk off to all of these hot young women with big tits, tanned bodies, pretty faces, and you choose this woman who looks like she works at Tesco. No visible tattoos, at least.
Now Whitney St John is doing "Hollywood Exposed". She looks alright but let's see how many tattoos. Well, a small tattoo on each wrist. What a poor decision that was.
This is just a run down of film scenes that have nudity.
I'm actually skipping through this. I've never been so bored with breasts in my life.
Oh, and when they finish their little "news" segment, they usually turn around and walk away so that you can get a look at the back.
Now some musician I've never heard of it is being "interviewed" (kind of) by that Asian woman naked. He's clothed, fortunately. He's at least 40.
The "interview" was just him giving one answer, I don't even know what the question was (THEY DIDN'T SHOW IT) and this naked woman is smiling and nodding.
Now back to these two head anchors and their scripted interplay about what their favourite music is.
Okay, now this boobless Asian woman is doing the "Naked News Bulletin". This has to be chock full of the day's events. She's already naked. No tattoos, at least.
- Energy drinks banned in some university...because it may lead to sexual behaviour
- New Jersey considering banning walking and texting
- New study suggests quitting smoking "cold turkey" is best
Well, I guess that was actually news, albeit light news. But it comes 15 minutes into this 25 minute show. And it lasted about a minute. And if this woman wants to be a nude model, she should consider doing some sit ups.
Back to these two head anchors and scripted *dialogue*. "Have you ever had to kick a bad habit, Hanna".
I've paused it here. This big titted ##### is about to give her answer. I say...it's going to be something sexual. Maybe she gave up blowjobs but then she missed it too much so she doubled her blowjob outtake. Something obviously fake like this. Let's see...
"Honestly no"? What? Fire these writers. And she says her biggest problem is "sweets" (or "candy" as I think they're called in Canada). She obviously learned British English but she should probably start using the "North American" term because she could barely pronounce "sweets".
By the way, in Canada, they'll often say "North American" when describing something that happens in both the US and Canada. I've seen this used on this very show. It's pathetic. Trying to affiliate themselves with the US.
"Lucky for you, you can't tell. I don't know where you're putting it all" and they pan across her body. Well, probably those chunky legs and the tits that must weight ten pounds each.
The other woman's bad habit is knuckle cracking.
So kudos to them for not doing something sexual. But...on the other hand, am I supposed to be jerking off to this? I don't even know. What's the goal of this show?
Now Hanna gets asked if she ever fantasised about sex with her "ex". I'm going to say that the answer is "no".
Ha! I was right. But in fairness, I paused it right before she gave her answer and she was making a face. Like..."what sort of question is this? I came to Ukraine for this stupid crap?"
The other ##### agrees.
Now it's "Pillow Talk" where they seek to explore this topic which the head anchors already dismissed as a non-issue.
It's Vera Bambi again with her prison tattoos. Let's at least watch this crap to see what the tits look like. She's wearing a bra at the moment.
She takes her panties off first. This is the move I've always suggested for strip poker. Nobody wants to see the pussy. It's the tits that are the main attraction. This goes against traditional wisdom but it's reality.
Then a story about how people aren't having sex on their marriage night any more.
Yeah, big fake tits. And these are bolt ons. Instead of spending all of that money on tattoos, she could have used that money to get a better surgeon. Terrible.
And she has a big red mark in the middle of her chest where the bra strap was rubbing. Get a better fitting bra or put some makeup there. YOU'RE A NUDE MODEL.
Now a story about pubic hair.
Now male contraceptives.
Now some weird bumper from Hedonism 2. Whatever that is. Some sort of "swingers" thing, I guess. There's one woman with huge tits, the rest I wouldn't want to have sex with.
Oh. I looked it up. It's a "clothing optional" resort in Jamaica. Can I suggest clothing for all of these women except the one with the giant tits, please?
Oh, great. Now it's Madison Banes. Already naked. Giving you the movie news. Didn't we already have movie news? Well, "news" about films that have nude scenes in them.
All they did was show the trailer to a "white pride" horror film and then there was a glowing "review". I bet that this was just an advertiser. I've never even heard of this. Green Room. According to Wikipedia, it had a limited release. Basically, just Toronto. It did seem to get good reviews, though.
Now a trailer for IMAX film A Beautiful Planet. At least these aren't sexual films. And I don't think that this is sponsored, at least.
This is probably the longest segment of the show. Way to go, Madison. All of her tattoos are on her side, at least. so they're not visible from the front or back. A LOT of side tattoos, though.
And that's the show. The two head anchors are reading the wrap up. Hanna will be back for an upcoming show. Camera pans both of these naked women.
No tattoos on Hanna. That's the way to do it. Huge tits, no tattoos. That's what I want to see in my pornographic news programs. But somebody who speaks English. These women are out there. They have to be.
Also, NEWS would be nice to see in my pornographic news programs. Not a single mention of Syria.
I don't know what they were going for. There were a lot of sex stories but nothing that you would get off to. And they weren't interesting.
And these women, with the exception of Hanna, you're not going to masturbate to. Madison is actively unpleasant to look at.
I don't know what they're hoping to achieve with this. As porn, it fails. As news, it fails. I was totally flacid throughout and my my brain was equally unstimulated. How has this lasted 10 years?
And these women...there have to be better looking women in Canada. For somebody who's in the cheesecake nudity business, this seems like it would be a good job. Maybe they're not paying much. Maybe they're operating a strict casting couch.
Here's a review on IMDB from 2003 complaining that the glory days are over. So this has been going on longer than 10 years. Probably 15 at least.
Here's a review from 2015 saying that the show started in 1999. So almost 20 years.
Wow. This guy actually complains about the "leftist bias" of the show. I have to say, I noticed no political agenda.
How much is this site...a lifetime membereship is $179. That's not bad if you can guarantee another 20 years of content but what if it does tomorrow?
So it's $6/month if you pay for a year. That's not much. Or $20/month if you go month to month. That's ridiculous. So they're really encouraging a year's payment in advance of %72. And if you're going to do that, you might as well get the lifetime subscription.
They also try to sign you up for a "free" membership to Mr Skin but after one day, that "free" membership becomes paid with automatic renewal. There's a sleazy move but what can one expect from this outfit?
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