Hey, three new Tinder matches. I re-installed it when I was in Inverness.

Oh god no. What the hell? Why do I waste my time on this? A 52 year old woman. Get real. I'm 36 in my profile. A hot 52 year old woman...I can see that. This woman is no hot.

Then a couple of other dogs, albeit in their 30s.

All unmatched immediately.

Here's a former classmate's Facebook. He's a big fat guy, never married, no children. He fills his life with local sports teams and comic books. I have no interest in either.

One of my favourite former classmates is the popular guy who all the 8th grade girls loved. He's also never married, no children. He fills his life with playing baseball and fishing. Not interested in that shit either.

Another favourite is the most popular in girl in 8th grade. I don't believe that she's on Facebook but I saw a newspaper article from five years ago that she was in. She works for the local gas supplier. Seems to be never married, no children.

What the hell? Guy who used to work in pizzarias as recently as a year ago is now in a relationship. He also has a new job. The two things may be related. Wait...he's a customer services representative for a coffee shop chain. What does that even mean? Is he in a call centre? Who's calling coffee shops? Anyway, it still sounds better than his lifetime of working in fast food restaurants.

Let's check out the lucky lady. Oh dear. Overweight, unattractive, has THREE young children from a previous relationship. What is this woman bringing to your life, Mike?

She used to be a nurse. She posts pictures and sometimes animated shit about Jesus of Nazareth MANY TIMES A DAY. Also nursing meme shit pictures. Seriously. She posts about 15 of these dumbass pictures EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I don't want this lunatic providing healthcare to me. And she has less than 100 "friends". Is anyone entertained by these stupid memes? Nobody responds, nobody "likes" this shit. What's the point of this shit? She's spamming her own Facebook.

What a nightmare. Better to be alone.