Had a Zinger meal from KFC today. It was about £4.50. Came with a small packet of fries and a drink.

Wasn't much food. I ate it no problem and wanted more. That's rare.

I had a Zinger maybe six months ago and it was great. I wanted to go back but this KFC that I go to is really poorly organised so I don't go. But there was a short queue today so I checked it out.

Today's Zinger was unremarkable. Not remotely spicy. Aren't they supposed to be spicy? Was I supposed to order a "spicy Zinger" or something like that?

Same with their Twisters. I like them but I just don't know what to order. There's a spicy one and a non-spicy one and possibly a third option. Or maybe this is all limited edition crap. But the menu just isn't clear at all. I just want a spicy chicken wrap and some fries. Show me a list of what items you sell. You know, sort of like a menu.

I never had a good relationship with chicken. It was always my least favourite takeaway option as a kid. I didn't like the bones. I still don't. The only chicken I eat is boneless.

But as a kid, boneless chicken wasn't yet invented. So I always went with a leg, which was the least popular piece but the easiest to eat and the one with the simplest bone anatomy. But even then, I'd basically just eat the skin. And that's gross.

Even today, as I suggested, I don't eat food with bones. I can. It's not a phobia. But I don't enjoy it and I don't do a good job of it. I'm not one of those people sucking the bones, as it were, and carefully creating a pile of sucked off bones in the corner of their plate. By finished bones still have a good amount of meat on them. I just don't want to get every gross vein and sinew out of them.

Even chicken breasts. Totally boneless. But they're disgusting. When I was abstaining from beef after that horsemeat scandal, I was eating a lot of chicken breast but you really gag cutting that gross shit up. It feels disgusting, it looks disgusting. I don't know how anyone does it. Eventually, I learned that if you cut it up while it's cooking, it's much less vile.

But yeah, I couldn't take it so I went back to horsemeat. I recently bought some Tesco hamburgers. It said "Scottish beef" on the label so I thought it should be fine.

No. This shit is 80% beef. Allegedly. It tastes awful. Almost "I have to throw this out" awful.

Tesco's Finest is about 90% beef. Allegedly.

I've asked this question a thousand times. Why can't you buy 100% beef in the UK? I'm telling you that if you go to the US, every single raw, patty of beef that you buy in the grocery store is 100% beef. "But I LIKE 80% beef products". Tough shit. It's not sold in the US. It's 100% beef or nothing.

I've told the story of the 70% alleged beef burgers that I bought from Tesco that were so bad that I threw them out. The only beef (or "beef") that I've ever thrown out in my life.

How could they even sell beef that's 70% beef? Why are people buying it? Why is this a product that exists? I'll pay 30% more. Give me 100% beef. Why isn't this even an option?

It's maddening. You just want to go to the store and get some hamburger meat, you know? Not this shitty mystery meat.

Speaking of mystery meat, I also go through spells where I buy sausages. In Scotland, you have the choice of link or square. I try to mix it up a bit but overall, I prefer links.

But then you get a bad batch of deformed sausage and it puts you off for a while. Something happened in the sausage stuffing factory but they decided to sell it anyway instead of throwing it out.

Who knows what's going in that shit? Literal shit, I bet. It's full of intestines, after all. Intestines which are full, no doubt.

I'd eat steak. I have the money. But I'm not a great cook and I don't want to ruin the meat. Also, you'd have to put a rub or a marinade or something on it and that's a lot of extra work. And the end result is a piece of meat with all of this gross connective tissue on it. It's just not for me.

I'm a hamburger guy but anything less than 100% beef is just baffling. Who are these people clamoring for 70% beef products? I can't believe that it's even allowed legally. I don't even want 98% beef. I want 100% beef. I don't want any shit put in my beef. There's no need for it. Just process the cattle, put it in a package, and you're done. Why complicate things with all of these bizarre additives?