Had those Tesco mini duck rolls. You were supposed to get 14 in the package. This wasn't in the fine print somewhere in the ingredients list. HUGE LETTERS on the front of the box. You get 14.

I only got 13.

That should have been my first clue that something was wrong. I heated them in the oven, as instructed, took them out, the smoke alarm went off. That's been a big problem lately. Every time I take something out of the oven, the smoke alarm goes off. I think it's because of the way I've positioned these French doors that lead to the kitchen. It funnels the smoke directly to the nearby fire alarm. Annoying as shit, though.

Anyway, I ate one. Remarkably flavourful. Bursting with flavour, one might say.

But after about three of them, I was getting sick of them. I was just trying to choke them down to get a meal out of this. I ended up throwing about six of them out.

Then it dawned on me. It's Tuesday so I can get some pizza.

Went to the Papa John's website. They're the most expensive of the three corporate pizza chains (the others being Dominos and Pizza Hut) but I also think that they're the best. So whatever. I've earned it.

They no longer have a two for Tuesday offer. Instead, there's "Happy Tuesday". Fifty percent off any pizza order over £20.

I was pissed off. What a scam. Never ordering from these bastards again.

Then I did the arithmetic. It's BETTER than the old deal of two pizzas for the price of one.

Previously, you'd order a pizza for £18 and another pizza for £17 and you'd pay £18. It's always the cheaper item that's free, of course. So I'd try to bump that cheaper pizza up in price by adding a topping but that would bring it past £18 because added toppings are like £1.50 or something.

With this new Happy Tuesday, you order an £18 pizza and a £17 pizza, you pay £17.50. Much more fair, much simpler, what's not to like?

And you're never going to order less than £20 in pizzas. They don't offer any pizzas that are less than £10.

So great. Waiting on that shit then.

Here's something I don't like, though. Papa John's has a reward system but not if you pay by cash. Why? It's crazy. Cash is number one. Everybody likes cash. No transaction fees. What the hell? Why doesn't Papa John's want me to pay by cash?

Fuck them. I'll pay by cash and they can take their loyalty points and shove them up their anus. I never use any loyalty scheme anyway. I don't want the grocery store or whoever else tracking my buying habits. What I buy is my business, hence my fondness for cash.

Hey, new Tinder match. Sarah, 23. I'm in the zone. That's two in one day. Or three in one day.

Pretty sure this is fake, though. Or a dude. No biography and I'm not even sure if it's the same person in all of these pictures. Could be a dude as well. I mean, this could be a legitimate profile but it's a guy. Looks kind of mannish in some of these pictures.

I'll never forget that Filipino ladyboy who I saw at a job I was doing. I just thought it was a smoking hot chick with big tits. No. It was later revealed that it's a dude. He/she was there with her like 60 year old white English boyfriend who I'm not even sure knew that it was a dude. He/she was in his/her mid to late 20s.

Took a dump today. Pretty big. And when I flushed, the water just rose up almost to the rim of the bowl. I never saw anything like this before. Not in the UK, anyway. I thought the toilet was going to overflow but then it just flushed down, no problem.

I think about all of the toilet problems that I experienced in the US. It traumatised me. Now whenever I flush, I always think it's a gamble. I'm always careful not to put too much toilet paper in the toilet. I don't want it to get clogged.

But there's no need to fear. Toilets in the UK are so much better. I've NEVER had an issue with them.

You might think, "What's the big deal? They're just toilets. Of course they work."

That's because you've never dropped a load in an American toilet. These things are shit and I realise that now. Always getting clogged and overflowing and you have to open up the back and jiggle that ball thing to get the water to go down and it's a big panic and you're wiping the toilet water off of the floor and whatever else was in there.

I imagine that it's like moving from India to the UK. You're impressed with the toilet fixtures. No more shitting in a hole in the ground for me.

That pizza arrived and I've eaten about half of the pepperoni one. It was alright. Just trying to digest it now.

The other pizza is the American Hot. I stopped getting these after about the 10th time that I got bloody stool after eating them. But since I've been on this great streak of healthy shits, I've decided to give it another chance. Really punish my colon. See if it holds up.

While looking for things to listen to while I eat, I've discovered that the Geniuscast starring Lanny Poffo is no more. They decided to call it quits after 20 episodes.

Oh god was it bad. That co-host of his was horrendous. Just the format was awkward and hard to listen to.

And yet, the few mentions of this podcast that I can find on the internet praise it. So different strokes for different folks.

I'll tell you what else was bad: Mike Tyson's podcast. Oh shit. Where to begin with that one? The Jew co-host? Splitting the podcasts into two 30 minute episodes? Tyson's clear disinterest in everything? The irregular schedule where he would quit for months and then come back to try it again? Just awful.

You listen to him in interviews and he'll often say semi-intelligent, introspective stuff but he's not an intelligent man by any means.