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Under Control; sadly only an illusion
Posted by mysecret on 10/5/2007, 2:04 pm
I am amazed reading these posts. I have had this "condition" for years and I am in my 50's. I can only remember back to about 12 or 13, going on a trip with family and having to ask them to leave the hotel room so I could go. I don't remember further back than then; and I have no clue what was significant about that trip. I think I remember that it was normal at that point for me to have others leave. I do not have any other phobias, or IBS, or anything that I can think of. However, this definitely rules and controls my life. Why I said "it's an illusion" that it's under control is that my life is pretty predictable right now. My husband and I are the only ones who live in our home. He leaves for work every morning and I go like clockwork, shortly after he leaves. No problems about 95% of the time. Occasionally I get backed up or something, but that is rare. I only have to go in the morning, and once a day does it for me. I am comfortable and feel well all the time.....EXCEPT WHEN MY ROUTINE GETS THROWN OFF. I fear having houseguests and do not offer. I will have 50 people in my house, as long as they all leave at the end of the night. I HATE to travel because of this. One overnight trip is okay, because that does not mess me up much, but more than that and I'm a mess. My husband is very good about leaving the house for "just a minute". That is really all it takes. If he goes in the basement or just sits outside in the yard, I can go in just moments. He understands. But having a houseguest? I have a couple of friends who would stay with me in the past and also undestood and would nicely comply and take a walk. When we are planning a trip, the very first thing I think of is how awful I will feel after a couple of days. I never need any products to help me go, EXCEPT when I travel. I have to take enemas and use them when I am away. I will have to get to the point of feeling bloated and full and very uncomfortable and then after 2 or 3 days I will use the enema. Then I will feel okay for a another couple of days. I may be a little different than others because I can go anywhere as long as there is nobody around. I mean really not around. I can go in a hotel or motel if there is nobody perceived closeby. I have never gone in a public building, but when I worked in a small office I could go it I worked late and everybody had left. I would lock myself inside and just go easy as can be. It's sad that the first thing I think of when I go away is that I will feel yukky and miserable. I SO wish I could just sit and go like others, but its' truly like this: It just WON'T work. I have given up ever thinking it will. I can be so uncomfortable and have to go so bad, say if I have had a houseguest for a day or two. The moment they leave, within minutes some time, it's like it just "works" and I go efforlessly and SUCH relief. I feel normal again. Other than this, I would bet that everyone thinks I am "normal" and most people would never think I had this problem. I do tell people I am close to about it when the need arises. Friends asked us to go away and stay with them in their time share and it is simply not possible. I told her why and she understood....sort of. I went to another state with family for a reunion. Everyone stayed in a huge house, but me.......I stayed in a hotel nearby. I said that I don't really sleep well and don't "travel well"; that I am a very early riser and just would feel better being alone to sleep well. I would spend all day with them, go to my room at night, have my "morning time" and rejoin them all. Sometimes, you appear snooty, but it's not something you just tell to "anyone". So, my lifestyle currently allows me the freedom to go daily, and my husband is great to comply on weekends, but should that change, I would be a mess. I'm sure of it. If I had a relative come to live with us, that would be my number one concern. How on earth will I go to the bathroom every day? I would never be able to live in a dorm if I were college age. I would never travel with a group and stay in a group setting or a large house. Here's one for you. I fear living in a nursing home one day because I will never be able to go, unless I get senile and have no clue. How sad it that. IF there were just some sort of device that would make the muscle work and just let it out, I would pay big money for it, that's for sure.