I'm Tindering in San Francisco now. 28 year old Nancy is pretty typical of these buffoons.

I nourish my soul through erudite conversations, the natural world excites me, cats rock, I study neuropsychology, I love research, I express myself through means of dance, tattoos are my guilty pleasure, I love wine and I'm super ambitious. If you can make me laugh (big IF), kudos to you.

She not particularly attractive, she has multiple facial piercings and tattoos, she might be Hispanic or part-Hispanic, and she's dressed like a prostitute in some of these pictures.

Here's the thing, Nancy. As an erudite man, I can tell you that you should have used full stops (or "periods") instead of commas for most of that profile. Second sort of grammar thing: "big IF" should have been "BIG if". I mean, you're emphasising the "big", right? I can forgive the lack of quotation marks around the "if" for style reasons.

But more to the point, why are you so entitled? What do you bring to the table? Why would I care in the slightest about whether or not I can make you laugh? I don't need your kudos, you worthless bitch.

You know, I was doing this dawn raid thing. There was a guy from Manchester there. He was a so-called computer expert. I'm not disparaging him but I don't know his credentials. I'm sure that they're impecable but I simply don't know.

So one of the solicitors was talking to me, asking where I'm from, et cetera. So I say that I'm from the US but I moved to London 12 years ago and moved to Scotland 2 years ago.

This Manchester guy is really impressed by this. He must have been in his mid-40s. "This is the farthest I've ever been."

He's typical. Most people don't travel much. They certainly don't live in such varied places. And they're impressed when they hear of my expatriate accomplishments.

When I was 28, like our princess Nancy here, I was in London. That's what I was doing with my life. What are you doing, Nancy? Collecting tattoos? Cool. Make me laugh, bitch. Impress me. Why should I impress you? You've done nothing with your life. You bring nothing to the relationship.

Yeah. I think that I found her LinkedIn. She has a Hispanic surname. She was working at In-N-Out Burger until recently. Now she's a research assistant at some shit university.

Four years at In-N-Out Burger. She wants ME to impress HER? You must be joking. Thanks for making me laugh. Kudos to you.

Even if it weren't for her horrible personality and complete lack of life achievements, I wouldn't give her the old in-n-out just based on her appearance. So again, what, if anything, do you bring to this relationship, Nancy?

She doesn't bring anything. She's a parasite. But you're supposed to impress her. I can understand why today's young men are just tuning out and waiting for the sex robots to hit the market. Women who have achieved absolutely nothing in their lives expecting to be lavished with praise and attention. And if you don't do it, they'll find somebody else. Then they'll hit 30 and realise that they're doomed to be alone forever.